


Ave Nubis, Ave Caelum

by noahliza, strawberiglitch (noahliza)



Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Angels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Manipulation, Eventual Romance, Fallen Angels, Heavy Angst, I promise, Isolation, M/M, Physical Abuse, Pining, Wingfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:28:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 26,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25160116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noahliza/pseuds/noahliza, https://archiveofourown.org/users/noahliza/pseuds/strawberiglitch
Summary: It's common knowledge on the mountain that Falling is a death sentence. It's only ever spoken of in hushed whispers and gossip, and the Fallen are never seen again. Sometimes, common knowledge isn't quite right.
Relationships: Vanitas/Ventus (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 98
Kudos: 59





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> back at it again with a new fic because my focus keeps switching around!!!
> 
> this is an angel au, but it's not wholly based off any single religion, so please don't go into this expecting like accurate christian imagery or something lol. i chose the bird/wings for each character after doing a little research, so hopefully you like my choices!

He wasn’t sure what Falling was supposed to feel like — he’d only assumed it would feel, well, like a fall.

This was not a fall. This was not plummeting down a mountain, was not crashing below the depths of the Earth. 

This was…nothing.

Weightless, in a dark sea of _nothing_. 

He couldn’t help but wonder how long he’d been here already, how long he was going to stay. He wondered if this was forever.

Slowly, he began to feel the pressure of the void around him increase. It became something that felt thick and viscous — the weight of it now crushing, squeezing, making his breaths shallow and his heart pound. It choked him, making the mere act of breathing feel like a punishment. Desperately, his legs thrashed and his hands scrabbled for anything to hold onto, anything to get out. 

Spots bloomed in his vision, the only thing he could see in this endless, empty space. He reached up, and his hands found something solid. He squeezed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth as he fought to pull himself up, straining against the heavy, sticky void surrounding him.

As he rose, he could feel a breeze — _air_ — on his skin. Gaining a second wind, he pulled himself up the rest of the way, panting raggedly. 

Void clung to his skin, his hair, his clothing, his _wings_ like oil. 

Exhausted and shaking, Vanitas staggered onto his feet, the void clinging to him like it belonged. Straining against the void, against his own body, he hauled himself onto his feet. He tried to stretch out his wings to fly, but the thick, heavy, tar-like void had stuck his feathers into clumps.

Unable to fly, his only option was to walk. _But…walk where?_

Then, with barely a glance at the pit he’d dragged himself out of, he staggered into the woods in hope he’d find…anything.

A stream to cleanse himself in, any sort of marker to tell him where he is, another angel, _anything_.

Before he could get far, his exhaustion won. Vanitas’ legs gave out under him and he collapsed. The edges of his vision went dark and tunneled inward, and he lost consciousness. 

—

Vanitas woke; cold, hurting, and lost. There was a stabbing pain in his stomach that he’d never experienced before, but Vanitas pushed any worry about it aside in favor of moving forward. He slowly hefted himself onto his feet and started walking in what he could only assume was the direction he’d been going before. Minutes, or maybe hours, passed — Vanitas wasn’t sure — before he finally found water. A large stream, curving gently through the ground.

He waded in and stood idly at first with the water up to his waist, watching the void mix with the water and flow downstream. Then came the real work. Vanitas scrubbed and scoured himself with his fingernails, leaving irritated skin and scratches in their wake. He tried to be gentle as he preened his wings, carefully separating the feathers and trying not to ruffle them _too_ much. 

Tired from the effort and seeing little results, he sat in the shallower water, up to his neck; and let the water clean his feathers for him. Eventually, the water ran clear, and Vanitas extended a wing to look at it.

With wide eyes, Vanitas pulled his feathers closer. 

_My wing? This can’t be my wing. It can’t. It can’t._ He clenched his fist and pulled, yanking his wing painfully. His breath hitched and he let go.

Gone was his blue-grey plumage, replaced with jet-black. 

_There’s no way. It’s impossible._ Hoping it was just his exhaustion playing tricks on him, _begging to the sky above that it was just his exhaustion messing with him_ , Vanitas tiredly rose and got out of the stream. He half-collapsed under a tree, shivering. The sun had begun to set while he was in the stream, cooling the air further. His only clothes soaked, Vanitas had no choice but to endure it.

He tucked his knees under his chin and wrapped his arms around his legs; closed his eyes in hopes of getting a bit of rest.

His sleep was fitful — the cold and strange dreams waking him often — but it was enough.

The sun shone high in the sky before Vanitas got up, stretching stiff muscles and joints. The woods echoed with the sounds of early spring, of birds and bugs and wind through leaves. It was…peaceful.

Then, Vanitas remembered his wings. Anxiety stabbed at his chest from the inside and his stomach felt like it was burning. He hesitated, then extended one wing.

The feathers were black.

He’d really Fallen. It really happened. 

_Castoff. Reject. Disgrace. Sinner._

Vanitas slowly dropped to his knees and curled up, eyes stinging as he fought to hold back tears.

What did I do? What did I do? “ _WHAT DID I DO?! WHAT DID I DO WRONG?!_ ” Vanitas wailed, voice cracking. “ _Please, I’m so sorry, I’ll do better, please,_ **_please_ ** _…_ ” He begged, pleaded to the sky above.

The sky did not answer.

The sky never answered.

Vanitas was alone.

Really, wholly, truly alone.

He cracked under the weight of his realization, and finally let his tears fall. Vanitas curled up tightly into himself; his pain now searing, sickening torture.

* * *

It had been days since Ven had last seen Vanitas. Sure, he often disappeared with no warning, sometimes for quite a while — but, somehow things felt different this time.

Ven couldn’t explain the feeling, but it scared him.

“It’ll be okay, Ven! Try not to worry so much. You said this happens sometimes, right?” From Terra.

“I know he’s your friend, Ven, but try not to stress too much over him. He’s not…a good person, like you are.” From Aqua.

“Try to avoid weighing yourself down too much with the concerns of others, it weakens your bond with the sky above.” From Master Eraqus.

“It would likely be best if you spent your time meditating on The Peak, instead of focusing so much on this.” From Master Xehanort.

Ven ended up doing what was suggested, begrudgingly going to The Peak to try and meditate alone. He’d never done particularly well; he could relax himself, but never truly focus. He’d rather fly — after all, wasn’t the best way to commune with the sky, to fly in it?

But, things had structures and rules and guidelines, and Ven didn’t have any say in the matter. This was how things worked, and there’s no changing it.

Ven tried, and then pretended, to meditate for a reasonable amount of time before taking off. His Swift wings were built for fast flying, allowing him to speed through the air with ease, zipping around and loving the exhilaration of the open air. Slowly, the feeling wore off, and he found himself thinking about the last time he’d flown with Vanitas. 

Normally, Vanitas kept distance between them — he kept distance from _everyone_ — and tried to rile Ven up by taunting him, challenging him to races, generally being kind of a jerk. Sometimes, he would show off by doing what Peregrines did best — plummeting to the ground at dizzying speeds, only to pull up just before hitting the ground. Watching it was terrifying, but Ven would never admit it. Much like how Vanitas would never admit they were friends, despite his willingness to spend time with Ven. 

Last time, Vanitas had slowly let Ven get close. They ended up flying together, spiraling around each other, taking sharp turns and quick dives like some sort of chaotic dance. It’d been thrilling; and Vanitas flying upside down under him, looking up at him with a rare smile, had warmed his heart in a way he couldn’t describe.

He wasn’t sure if he was scared of Vanitas’ disappearance because of that flight being so different, or if the flight being different was the cause of the fear. Thinking about it made his head spin.

Ventus touched down gently, outside of Aqua’s apartment in the mid-levels. He knocked nervously, and Aqua quickly answered the door with a smile — and then a concerned frown.

“Ven, what’s the matter..?”

“Something just feels _wrong_ , Aqua, I know you don’t like him, but—” Ven cut himself off, feeling tears prickling at his eyes.

“Oh, Ven…” Aqua pulled him into a hug, and then quickly ushered him inside. “Have you tried to see him, or anything?”

“No…” Ven mumbled. “He doesn’t like people dropping by randomly.”

Aqua sighed, but didn’t comment for once. She was quiet for a long moment, before giving Ven a serious look.

“If you’re worried, I think you should go see him. If he cares about you, he’ll understand.”

“Yeah… You’re right. Thanks, Aqua.” Ven smiled a bit insincerely, unable to relax until he could say for sure that things were fine. 

“You can come back here when you’re done, if you want some time before going home.” 

“I might.” Ven nodded. “See you.” Feeling a bit more confident with Aqua’s reassurance, he quickly headed back outside and took off; Aqua waving goodbye behind him.

It wasn’t a long flight for Ven, not with his speed; but the journey around the mountain, then down to the low-levels where Vanitas lived, felt like it lasted forever. Ven landed outside Vanitas’ small apartment, his nerves fraying further. 

He knocked, waited.

Knocked louder, waited.

A strong breeze rustled Ven’s hair, and he saw Vanitas’ curtains move — his window open. Something he only did when he was home.

Either Vanitas was being a jerk and ignoring the knocking, or something _was_ wrong. Ven swallowed, bracing himself. He grabbed the doorknob and turned, opening it easily.

Ven sincerely hoped to find a pissed off Vanitas, wondering why Ven would just wander inside without being let in.

He stepped inside cautiously, and looked around.

The one-room apartment seemed as empty as the last time Ven had seen it, long ago. Vanitas had often stated that he wasn’t home enough to bother with decor or personal items; but Ven had bought him a few things as gifts. Ven quickly found one of these gifts — a necklace with a messily wire-wrapped moonstone for a pendant — on the floor. He turned it over in his hands before pocketing it.

Ven stepped further inside, towards Vanitas’ bathroom. The light had been left on, unlike the rest of the apartment. Turning into the bathroom, he laid eyes on a shattered mirror, shards and splinters of glass coating the sink and floor underneath. They were spotted with something brown — _Dried blood?_ Ven’s stomach lurched and he rushed out of the bathroom.

After turning the lights in the main room on, Ventus saw the knife. One of Vanitas' cooking knives that he always kept sharp, always put away carefully — one of the few nicer things he’d ever bought for himself. Now, it was stabbed into the small table next to Vanitas’ futon. Stepping closer, Ventus saw dried blood on the blade’s edge. 

He looked down, and fell to his knees with a choked gasp. Side-by-side were two large stains — one of dried blood, and the other a pitch-black. Both had seeped into the futon, into the blankets. The fabric had already started to dissolve in areas where the black stain was thicker.

Vanitas was gone — had been gone for days. _Gone._

Guilt shredded at Ven’s heart. Vanitas had been gone this whole time, and Ven had been messing around, acting like things were fine.

Nothing was fine. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is about mourning, in a way.
> 
> i never know what to say in these notes lol

In a daze, Ven gathered up some of Vanitas’ personal items. He wasn’t sure what happened to an angel’s belongings after Falling, but he assumed they would be thrown out. Maybe even burned. He didn’t want that. He didn’t want that at all. And so, Ven took Vanitas’ bag and packed: the moonstone necklace — wrapped in a cloth, the remaining cooking knives, some clothes, and a blanket that took up most of the space in the bag.

Once he’d finished packing, Ven turned the lights out, headed outside, closed the door quietly behind himself, and took off — back up and around the mountain to Aqua’s apartment.

She answered the door quickly, her expression turning serious as soon as she laid eyes on Ven.

“Did something…happen..?” 

“Yeah.”

Aqua quickly ushered Ven inside. He followed her pace, both hands tightly gripping the bag’s strap.

“What happened?”

Ven stared blankly downwards, squeezing the bag’s strap in his hands.

“Ven, please, what happened?” Aqua crouched down and looked up, trying to make eye contact.

“He’s gone, Aqua…”

“Vanitas? Like, he left?”

“He Fell.”

Aqua put her hand over her mouth to stifle a small gasp.

“You saw the Mark and everything?” She asked, voice shaking slightly.

Ven nodded silently. 

“Have you told the Masters, yet?”

Ven shook his head. “I came here first. You said I could.”

“Right…” Aqua took a deep breath and put on a brave face. “Ven, you sit there.” She pointed to a seat, and Ven slowly did as he was told. Aqua strode into her kitchenette and returned quickly with a glass of water.

“Drink this, if you can. Okay, Ven?” Aqua smiled softly, her tone gentle. Ven nodded and took the glass, finally letting go of the bag.

“Okay. I’m going to see the Masters. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” She opened the door and paused, turning back. “Stay in here, okay?”

She waited for Ven’s nod, and took flight.

Ven stared down at the middle distance — or at the glass in his hands — for…he wasn’t sure. It felt like three hours and ten minutes at the same time. He looked up at the clock, but then realized that he didn’t know when he got here, or when Aqua left. He realized his hands were wrapped around a glass of water. _Aqua told me to drink this…right?_

He was pretty sure she did, so he slowly raised the glass to his lips to take a sip. That seemed like enough.

Ven switched to watching the clock, but he lost track of everything again. 

When Aqua came back home, Ven realized he was looking at the clock. He wasn’t sure, anymore, what time it was when he’d checked last.

Aqua stood around near Ven for a bit, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. Ven wondered if she was wanting to say something to him, but he couldn’t manage to ask.

She stilled a bit before finally speaking. “Terra’s coming over in a few minutes, I ran into him on the way back.”

“Oh, okay.” Ven nodded. He knew he should be saying something else, too, but couldn’t think of what it was.

Aqua glanced down at the glass in Ven’s hands. “Can you drink some more of that?”

“Yeah.” Ven raised the glass, taking a few careful sips. 

“Keep drinking when you can, okay? I’m going to prep some things for Terra, he’s going to make us some dinner.” Aqua smiled gently.

“I will.” 

“Good.” Aqua gently ruffled Ven’s hair, then headed into the kitchenette. 

Ven slowly drank his water for a bit, letting the apartment’s quiet seep into him. Terra arrived at some point, entering without knocking as he normally did.

“Hey, Ven, how’re you feeling..?” Terra asked gently.

Ven shrugged. He honestly wasn’t sure how to answer. 

Terra smiled, a bit sadly, and approached Ven to ruffle his hair. His touch was much more firm, making Ven’s eyes involuntarily scrunch closed like it always did.

It felt a bit more normal, the haze in Ven’s mind seemed to thin ever so slightly.

“I’m making us fried rice for dinner, sound good?”

“Yeah.” Ven nodded.

Terra smiled and headed into the kitchenette. The haze thickened back out, leaving Ven unaware of how long it was until Aqua came back out to check on him.

“Are you doing okay?” She asked. 

Ven shrugged, still not sure.

Aqua looked to see how much water Ven had drank, and her eyes flicked up to Ven’s chest, to the crossbody strap of Vanitas’ bag.

“Where’d that bag come from, Ven?” Aqua asked. 

“I got it from Vanitas’ apartment.” 

“You…took some of his things?”

Ven nodded. “I grabbed some stuff for when he gets back.”

“Ven…” Aqua took an unsteady breath. “You said he Fell. He’s not…going to come back.”

Ven tightened his grip on the bag’s strap, not replying. 

After a long moment, Aqua got up and went to join Terra in the kitchenette.

Ven lost himself to the haze again. Aqua and Terra started talking in hushed tones, and he was just aware enough to hear bits and pieces. 

_‘Denial.’ ‘In shock.’ ‘Knew he’d Fall sooner or later.’ ‘A bad influence on Ven?’ ‘The Masters said-’_

Ven didn’t want to hear any more, so he let the haze take him. 

Days crawled by, Ven stayed at home. People came by to see him, to talk to him, to try and help somehow.

Ven stayed at home. Vanitas’ bag stayed by his side.

* * *

Vanitas wasn’t sure how many days, how many nights it had been since he Fell. What was the point in tracking the passage of time, when there was nothing to look ahead to?

This was nothing new, but at least before, there’d been…bits and pieces of good. 

The ache in Vanitas’ stomach grew to a stabbing pain, and he forced the thought out of his head. The past didn’t matter any more. He could never go back to it. He was about a day’s flight from the mountain — if he was in good condition — but it somehow felt further, much further. An impassable distance that he could never hope to cross.

He wasn’t sure how long the journey would _really_ take him, anyway. He’d been left exhausted from the mere act of surviving the void, stuck with no tools and having to forage for anything to eat — not that it ever filled him. After a few days he’d been able to distinguish two pains: the weariness and gnawing ache of hunger, and a sharper, stronger pain that Vanitas could swear _writhed_ inside him at times. 

It was unbearable. The two pains easily brought him to his knees, stole his awareness, left him hopeless. So, he waited. He figured hunger would get him, the cold nights would freeze him, or even some large wild animal prowling the woods might eat him. Or, maybe, the ground would open beneath him again and he would Fall even further.

After a few days of waiting, none of those things had come to pass.

Vanitas heard footsteps, twigs snapping underfoot, and slowly turned to look. His eyes widened in shock and confusion. One of the Masters — Vanitas’ overtired brain scrambled to remember his name — strode towards him.

“Master Xehanort..?”

The Master smiled, all formality and no feeling. “Indeed I am. And what might your name be, my boy?”

Vanitas blinked slowly, trying to wrap his head around this situation.

“Vanitas.”

“Ah, you must be the one that Fell about a month ago.”

“A… A month?” Vanitas’ voice came out weakly.

“You didn’t know? Have you been completely alone, out here?” 

“Of course I have… Why would someone go looking for the Fallen? I’m supposed to be dead.”

“And yet you are here, alive. Do you not consider that a blessing?” Xehanort asked.

“No.”

“Ah, I suppose it would be difficult to consider such a thing, alone and forgotten as you are.” Xehanort’s gaze aimed towards the mountain, posing as contemplative.

“Forgotten?”

“Yes, your friend Ventus seems to have pushed you out of his life, replaced you.” Xehanort said solemnly. “In fact, it wasn’t even him who informed us of your Falling, it was Aqua. Ventus has refused to even mention you. He seems quite happy.”

“He-” Vanitas cut himself off, curling forward with a groan of pain, as his stomach felt like it was being ripped apart.

“Yes, his friends seem quite relieved as well, now that you’re not there. Talk of your Falling has ceased, it truly is like you never existed there.”

“ _Why are you telling me all of this..?_ ” Vanitas gritted out, both arms wrapped around his middle as if it could ease the pain.

“Don’t you want to make them remember you?” Xehanort leaned down slightly, just enough to look into Vanitas’ eyes. “Are you really okay with being thrown out like trash?”

The pain in Vanitas’ stomach pushed and writhed, climbed its way up Vanitas’ throat like a living thing. He gagged, and coughed out a thick black mass — void. There was void inside of him. It thinned out, spreading across the ground and coating the plantlife under it.

Vanitas stared, wide-eyed in horror. _This…was inside me this whole time..?_

“Now, answer me, are you okay with being thrown out like trash?” Xehanort repeated himself with short, clipped words.

“N-no…” Vanitas watched the void slowly move from its original landing place, leaving behind dead and partially dissolved plant matter in its wake.

“I am willing to help you, so long as you do as I say. I will train you in this new power you’ve obtained, and you will ensure that you are remembered _properly._ Do we have a deal, Vanitas?”

“Yes, Master.”

That same day, Vanitas began his training.

* * *

Slowly and carefully, over weeks, Aqua and Terra had managed to get Ven somewhat back on track.

He joined conversations, at times. He left home, slowly easing back into the routines of daily life. He started to become more like himself.

Vanitas’ bag stayed at home.

Sometimes, Ven barely thought about Vanitas during the day. Sometimes, a few hours of downtime were enough to bring the haze back. Sometimes, Ven wanted to quit everything and go back to staying at home. Sometimes, he was scared that he would Fall too, dragged down after Vanitas for mourning the Fallen. Those days, he would frantically preen himself; making sure his wings were still pure-white, no Mark staining his feathers or his skin.

Sometimes, Ven would go through Vanitas’ bag; carefully taking everything out, checking everything was present, re-folding and re-packaging, and then carefully packing the bag back up.

Vanitas was gone, Ven knew that. He wouldn’t come back, he wouldn’t need his things.

But, it felt nice to have something to hold onto.

* * *

Master Xehanort came and went as he pleased, never a warning if he was going to be present for training or not. He taught Vanitas to hone in on what made the void in his stomach react — taught him to resent the feeling, to hate those that _caused_ such a feeling — and to bring it out willingly and purposefully. 

The first long stretch of time without Master Xehanort around, Vanitas started to ease off. Training _hurt._ He knew going into it, that it would; but he couldn’t help but want to avoid the pain. It was only natural, an instinctual pull to avoid injury. 

_Even someone like me has this instinct._ Vanitas smiled wryly at the thought. He decided to take the next day off.

The next day, Master Xehanort showed up again, Vanitas remembering all too late that owls fly silently.

“I see you are in need of more _instruction._ ” Xehanort made his presence known; taking a few steps forward with what appeared, at a glance, to be a cane in his hand.

Vanitas stiffened, caught off guard. “I’m sorry, Master, it just-”

“Do not make excuses, boy. You lack strength and resolve. That is all.” Xehanort gazed down emotionlessly at Vanitas. 

Vanitas bit down on the inside of his cheek, before he dared to look up and meet Xehanort’s eyes. “Please, Master, what do I need to do?”

Master Xehanort smiled. His grip shifted — Vanitas realized the cane was actually a polearm — and he held it out, pointing it at Vanitas.

“I shall teach you.”

Vanitas got a good look at the weapon, it looked like a bardiche with an elongated, ornate blade that tapered into multiple curved spikes.

He drew a breath, almost daring to ask _‘how?’_ and Xehanort swung, striking Vanitas to the ground with the flat of the weapon.

“Feel this, and think of what led you here.” Xehanort struck Vanitas again.

“Think back on your former life, think back on what forced your hand. What caused your Fall.”

“Think of those who abandoned you without a thought once you were out of sight. Those who willfully forgot you.”

“You hate them, don’t you? You must _remember_ that hate. Keep it burning inside of you, you must never allow it to lessen.”

Xehanort spoke as he continued beating Vanitas into the ground. Vanitas flinched at every hit, afraid of being stabbed or sliced by the blade’s edge.

“Do not let something as weak as fear rule you! Overcome it, overpower it with your hatred, let it consume any other emotion in its path!”

“Y-yes, Master.” Vanitas managed to grit out. He braced himself against the blows, working to stop the instinctive reaction.

He didn’t manage to the first time, or the second, or the third. Each time Xehanort repeated this _lesson_ he got closer, he grew accustomed to feeding the writhing mass of hatred inside of him.

Weeks passed, and Vanitas slowly began to see the rotted, putrid fruits of his labor.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoo hoo oh boy
> 
> i wrote this all in one day so im honestly just hoping its coherent to people other than myself lmao

Months of training, and the day to carry out Master Xehanort’s plan finally came. 

Vanitas was exhausted, worn to the bone from training. Xehanort had pushed Vanitas further, harder than before, to make sure he was ready.

In all honesty, Vanitas didn’t fully understand the plan, nor did he really care. It was act one, in a show where only the finale would end up mattering to him — whatever that finale would end up being. He didn’t know, and he’d decided not to care until the time came.

For now, all he cared about was making those on the mountain _pay_ — for neglecting him, for abandoning him, for forgetting him. 

He flew low, close to the tree line, close to the mountain’s lower cliffs, landing a good distance away from his target. A vast, rolling green space that was gifted from the sky above, used as farmland. Vanitas waited as the sun began to set, and the field workers began to head home for the day. 

Exhaustion, hunger, despair, pain all fed into the hatred he carried inside, and Vanitas let it out.

The void nearly burst out from him, crawling and dragging itself across the ground like a half-living thing; leaving behind a trail of dead and dissolving plantlife in its wake. As it reached the edge of the field it collapsed in on itself and began to expand. It grew half-formed, dripping claws and goopy tendrils to pull itself outward — to spread itself further and further across the field. Vanitas watched silently as the thick, oily black mass writhed. Always moving, always collapsing and reforming, always struggling to maintain any sort of shape belonging to a living thing.

Vanitas closed his eyes and let himself feel what it couldn’t. He felt it leeching the life from the field, felt it break down the plants — leaves, stems, fruits and roots — and eat away at them like an acid. Anything left behind in its path was blackened and rotting, poisoned. His stomach was empty, but the void let him feel full. It grew in size as it consumed, melting the crops into more and more nothing.

* * *

Ven took off from The Peak and flew slowly, wasting time. The sun was low on the horizon, but he wasn’t ready to go home yet. It wasn’t one of the bad days, but Ven didn’t feel wholly _there_ . He wasn’t looking forward to going home and potentially losing part of his evening in the haze. It made him feel like a ghost — not that he _believed_ in ghosts — like he was just a passive observer rather than a whole person that could feel and think.

He looped around, going a bit further each time, the view slightly different as he could see a bit more of the mountain below with every loop. 

Barely catching a glimpse of something strange down below, he turned around sharply to try getting a better look.

Down near the base of the mountain was a large, black shape. His curiosity getting the better of him, he flew downward, quickly descending toward the farmland — and what appeared to be a giant mass of… _something_. Something that, for some reason, seemed familiar. As Ven got closer he realized it was moving. Shocked, he watched it pull itself together and apart until it made him sick. 

Ven circled around it and landed near one of the field’s corners, keeping his distance. Finally, he was able to tear his eyes away; but the next thing he saw wasn’t any better. Ven realized he was _behind_ the mass, and it had destroyed everything in its path. He crouched down to get a closer look at the ruined field, and realized why it seemed so familiar.

The Mark.

This giant, horrible _thing_ was leaving behind something that looked just like The Mark, just like when— 

Ven cut himself off, not wanting to finish the thought. Instead, he stood and walked a bit of the field’s perimeter; stopping when he found a smaller trail of decay that left the field and went all the way beyond the natural fence of stones at the edge of the farmland. He walked alongside it without a second thought, wanting to know where the trail led. He jumped up, using his wings to give himself a bit more lift. It was ungraceful, that type of maneuver wasn’t exactly a Swallow’s forte; but he managed to get himself on top of one of the boulders. He crossed the width of it and peeked over the edge.

Ven briefly reconsidered his lack of belief in ghosts.

On the ground below sat someone that looked just like Vanitas. Almost completely identical. Thinness and longer hair could be explained away, but Ven had no idea what to think about the black wings.

The angel’s eyes snapped open as their body tensed, and Ven was met with piercing gold eyes. He’d never seen a glare so furious.

“Vanitas?” Ven asked hesitantly. 

The angel snarled like an animal, showing their teeth like a threat. 

“ _What the fuck do_ **_you_ ** _want?_ ” Vanitas’ voice growled as the angel’s lips moved.

It was rougher than normal, but was definitely Vanitas’. Ven felt like he could cry.

“You’re… Alive?” 

Confusion crossed Vanitas’ face for a moment, and was quickly replaced with a more nonchalant look.

“What, are you disappointed?” Vanitas drawled, smirking like he used to when he won arguments.

“What..?” Ven shook his head. “No! I just- I can’t believe it! No one’s ever been seen after…”

“You were so sure I’d die.” Vanitas spat, eyes narrowed. “So sure you’d be rid of me that easily.”

“That’s not true!” Ven shouted. His back prickled, and he turned just in time to take flight — narrowly dodging the black mass as it crashed down on the boulders like a sludgy wave.

“There’s no need to lie any more, Ventus!” Vanitas called out to him. “I already know!” 

Something like an arm shot up out of the mass, Ven darted back and forth as it tried to hit him, tried to grab him.

“What are you _doing_ , Vanitas?!” Ven yelled as he dodged. “ _Why are you doing this?!_ ”

“ **_Because you left me to die!_ **”

Ven froze in midair. Despite the fury on Vanitas’ face, Ven had never heard him sound so broken.

Already falling, the black mass smacked Ven into the ground.

He landed facedown and lay motionless for a moment, trying to suck air back into his lungs. Shakily, Ven managed to push himself up onto his hands and knees, then carefully moved his aching body into a sitting position. He could feel bruises beginning to form all over, and his back burned where the hit landed, the pain forcing a hiss out of him.

Ven looked up at Vanitas, and could swear he saw terror for a split second. But, it was all anger. He strode towards Ven, glaring down at him with the intensity of the sun. 

“Vanitas…” Ven croaked out. “I didn’t mean to… I didn’t know…” 

Vanitas froze, eyes wide; and suddenly his movements became jittery. Ven didn’t understand, he didn’t understand any of this. 

“Don’t look at me like that!” Vanitas practically shrieked. He grabbed Ven by his shirt collar and shoved him back against the ground. “I don’t need your fucking pity! _It’s your fault!_ ” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Ven shot back, glaring.

“Shut up!” Vanitas rushed forward and straddled Ven, wrapping his hands around Ven’s throat with a frantic desperation in his eyes.

Ven’s eyes widened in panic as he felt Vanitas press down on his throat. _Am I gonna pass out?! Am I gonna die?! Shitshitshitshit- I can’t breathe. I can’t. He’s—_

Too lightheaded to truly fight it, Ven wrapped his hands gently around Vanitas’ wrists.

All at once, Vanitas’ hands let go as he jerked backwards — Ven coughed and wheezed, trying to catch his breath.

“ _Don’t come find me._ ” Vanitas demanded. “If I see you again, I _will_ kill you.”

Ven turned his head to look at Vanitas and watched with confusion as the black mass collapsed in on itself, becoming smaller and smaller. Vanitas crouched down to pick it up, and dropped it into his mouth. Ven’s eyes widened as Vanitas choked, curling in on himself with his hands over his mouth. After a moment of stillness, Vanitas rose and took flight, rushing away from the mountain.

Forcing himself up, Ven watched Vanitas fly down towards the dense forest surrounding the mountain, until he was out of sight.

Despite the threat, Ven knew he had to find Vanitas again. 

He _had_ to.

* * *

Vanitas landed at his spot by the stream, immediately falling to his knees and curling up with his hands clutching his head.

_Why was he there, why, Ventus why, why?_ Ventus’ voice ran through Vanitas’ mind, throwing his thoughts into disarray. _‘That’s not true!’ ‘I didn’t mean to,’ ‘I didn’t know,’_

And the way he held Vanitas’ wrists so gently— **_No._ ** _No no no._ Vanitas fought to get control of his own thoughts. _Ventus abandoned you. He lied, he’s lying,_ **_he doesn’t care about you._ **

Vanitas went back and forth all night, unable to relax, unable to sleep, unable to realize what the coming day meant.

By the time Master Xehanort showed up, Vanitas had worn his thoughts to tatters.

“You failed to complete your task.”

Vanitas’ eyes snapped up, almost daring to meet Xehanort’s cold gaze.

“I’m sorry, Master.”

“Tell me, now, what caused you to leave before you had finished.”

Vanitas swallowed reflexively, afraid the void would try to drag itself out of him.

“He- Someone saw, Master. Someone came down and was snooping around. I’m sorry.”

“ _’Someone’_ saw.” Xehanort repeated, tone low and disapproving. “ _’Someone’_ caused you to turn tail and flee like a scared _chick_?” 

Vanitas stiffened and looked downward. “I’m sorry, Master. I’m sorry. I won’t fail you again.”

“No, you will not.” Xehanort agreed, putting a gloved hand to Vanitas’ shoulder and squeezing hard enough to hurt. “I will ensure it.”

“Thank you, Master.” 

“I will allow you one day to recuperate from your cowardice, and we will resume training again tomorrow. Understood?”

“Yes, Master.”

Xehanort left as silently as he came, leaving Vanitas all alone.

He didn’t know how to recuperate from this. _What if The Master is wrong? What if The Master is right?_

_Which is better? Which is worse?_

Vanitas didn’t know. The day leeched into night, and Vanitas still didn’t know. 

Xehanort kept true to his word, returning the next day. He brought with him the now-familiar bardiche, and a large pair of shears.

“Come here.” Xehanort commanded, beckoning. “This is both a punishment _and_ a lesson for you.”

Vanitas approached without hesitation, not wanting to receive the _lesson_ that came with that as well.

Xehanort circled around Vanitas, stopping behind him. 

“Extend your wings.”

Vanitas obeyed. He stood as straight and still as possible as he heard the shears snipping, felt the feathers bend and gather before being clipped by the shears.

“I have not completely grounded you,” Xehanort began, “Though I have made flight _very temporarily_ difficult for you. Allow yourself to take time out of the air, take this time to hone your focus, to strengthen your convictions.”

“Yes, Master. I will.” 

“Very good. Now, let us remind you where your convictions lie.”

Xehanort grabbed the bardiche and swung, Vanitas met it without flinching. Xehanort brought the flat of the blade down again and again, while reminding Vanitas of what he already knew.

Abandoned, left for dead, unloved, forgotten.

Alone, late in the night, Vanitas was left alone in his thoughts.

Ventus still ran through his mind, still wouldn’t make him stop questioning everything.

There was no room for questioning.

None.

Vanitas ripped the clipped feathers out of his wing, letting the pain take his mind off of it all.


	4. Chapter 4

Going back to daily life felt wrong, now. 

Vanitas was alive…he really was out there, somewhere. Ven wanted nothing more than to go find him. He knew better than to leave recklessly. He had duties and training, people who would notice his absence. 

He didn’t want anyone to know about Vanitas. He was afraid of what may happen.

Would they exile him further? Would they imprison him? Would they execute him?

Ven tried his best to keep thoughts like that out of his mind. He busied himself with meditation, with lectures about divinity and stuff from the Masters, with service, with Aqua and Terra. 

If they noticed anything off about him, they didn’t say.

Ven wondered if they assumed his wandering mind was just the haze he’d experienced for so long. They were probably similar enough, on the outside. He didn’t ask, despite his curiosity.

He stayed out a bit late most nights, circling the mountain in hopes of seeing something, anything that might lead him to Vanitas again. 

_ I don’t know what happened, but he needs help, I’m sure of it…  _ Ven wasn’t sure if he could provide that help, but with nowhere else to turn, he had to try.

Ven’s guilt ate at him from both sides.

Guilt that he hadn’t been able to help Vanitas, and guilt that he hadn’t told anyone what he knew.

-

After he’d watched Vanitas disappear into the darkened forest, he’d gone home. Hurried straight into his bathroom and filled a large bowl with water, murmured a prayer to purify it, and had cleansed the acidic sting from his back. He’d even used a bit of magic on himself to heal the burn, an act that felt horrible and selfish. 

He let the field workers find the wreckage themselves.

Once he heard about injuries in the fields, Ven rushed down the mountain. He put on a positive face and spent about half of the day in service, cleansing and healing burns from coming into contact with the remnants of the black mass. A horrible, long process. Each break Ven took to rest and recoup his power weighed on him heavily.  _ I should have said something… I should have figured out a way to explain this without telling everyone about Vanitas… _ His guilt prodded him onward, cleansing and healing until he’d emptied himself completely. 

He’d ignored his growing fatigue that receded less and less with each break he took, ignored the lightheadedness and slight tunnel vision. He had people to help.

Then, as Ven healed another angel’s burned hands, his vision tunneled and darkened. His arms felt like they were falling asleep, staticky pins-and-needles. As his vision went completely black, he felt his legs give out.

He didn’t remember hitting the ground, but he remembered how crowded he felt when he came to — many of the workers had stopped what they were doing to see if he was okay. One had flown off once Ven was sat up and responsive, fetching Terra to take Ven home.

It was embarrassing, being carried like a nestling. 

But, as always, Terra proved to be an amazing friend. After taking Ven home he tracked down Aqua to tell her what happened, and they both stopped by with food as soon as they were able.

The Masters weren’t so kind the next day, Eraqus lecturing Ven on  _ awareness _ and  _ responsibility _ and  _ being careful _ and  _ whatever  _ for hours. He meant well, but it was exhausting to listen to.

As the days and weeks went by, Ven fell into his routine — busying himself all day to keep from worrying, searching for a long while each night. Somehow the angels had lucked out, not having much of an issue with food scarcity despite all of the destruction. Things weren’t as easy as other years, but no one starved.

Fall slowly chilled the air and turned the leaves brown, then winter came with the first cold snap and snow. Ven made sure to bundle up as he went on his night flights, not wanting to get windburn or frostbite.

He hoped the snowy white landscape would make it easier to find Vanitas.

Finally, it did.

Ven spotted pitch-black wings down below, and tracked their path to an area on the outskirts of town, to an area of storage buildings. He followed cautiously from high up and watched as Vanitas released the black mass again. It quickly grew in size, bigger than it had been when Vanitas unleashed it on the fields. 

Not wanting to wait any longer, Ven swooped downwards to land.

* * *

The winter winds buffeted against Vanitas as he flew, seeming to cut through him and chill him down to the bones. Master Xehanort had been kind enough to give Vanitas a cloak after the first snow fell, but it was threadbare and worn. 

It did little to provide warmth, but it was far better than nothing.

It had become a mantra of sorts. The cloak was thin, but it was far better than nothing. Training with Xehanort hurt, but it was far better than nothing. Letting the void consume didn’t sate Vanitas’ own hunger, but it was far better than nothing.

Living was painful and miserable, but with the promise of revenge, it was far better than death.

Vanitas landed carefully outside the area Master Xehanort had told him to destroy next. He couldn’t remember what the buildings were for, but apparently it was something important. He quickly hunched over and coughed, choked as the void rushed out of him. It folded in on itself, shaking as it forced itself to take up more space — to grow larger and stronger. 

He rubbed his hands together, exhaling on his freezing fingers as he watched the void drag itself towards the closest building.

Then, something blinding, something with pure white wings landed in front of him.

Vanitas jumped back and squinted. _ Ventus?! _ He didn’t understand.  _ Why is he here again why is he here why is he here why why why?! _

“ _ I told you I’d kill you if I saw you again. _ ” Vanitas growled, baring his teeth.

“I know, but-” Ventus cut himself off with a jolt as a deafening cracking, crunching, crumbling sound filled the air.

Vanitas whirled around to see the void landing on the ground, having taken out a massive chunk of one of the buildings. He cackled and shouted in excitement, eyes wide as he watched.

“Vanitas..?” 

“ _ What do you  _ **_want_ ** _ , Ventus? _ ” Vanitas dropped his voice back into a growl, refusing to turn around, to even peek at him.

“I want to help you!” Ventus’ voice was like a plea. It struck something in Vanitas’ core, but he swallowed it down. He refused to acknowledge it.

The void crushed the rest of the building and began to consume it. Excitement rushed back into him and Vanitas cheered, grinning with arms raised; palms toward the sky.

“Why are you doing this, Vanitas?!” 

“Because, Ventus!” Vanitas grinned so widely it hurt. “I want you to suffer!” He strode quickly towards Ventus, hands outstretched.

“ _ I want you all to suffer. _ ” Vanitas cupped Ventus’ cheeks in his icy hands, barely holding back a sigh of relief. Ventus was so warm, so alive. “ _ I hate you so much. _ ” He whispered.

Ventus stared motionlessly at Vanitas, fear and confusion shining in his eyes. Vanitas smiled.  _ You can’t ever forget me. Hate me, fear me, remember me..! _

Finally, Ventus jerked backwards, pulling away from Vanitas’ hold. “I don’t… I don’t understand! What happened to you?!”

“I  _ Fell, _ Ventus. Didn’t you know that?” Vanitas grabbed a fistful of Ventus’ shirt. “ _ Or were you so wrapped up in your perfect fucking life without me that you didn’t hear? _ ”

Ventus went silent, expression unreadable.  _ He looks upse— no. NO. THAT’S NOT IT.  _ Panic rose in Vanitas’ chest.  _ He hates me! It’s okay! He hates me and I hate him! _

“Well?! Say something!” Vanitas started to shake. He kept a grip on Ventus’ shirt. “ _ ANSWER ME! _ ”

“Please, I just want to help you…!”

Vanitas let go. He stepped back as Ventus reached out for him.

“I don’t need your help.”

He backed away from Ventus, silently willing the void to shrink back down behind him. He didn’t turn around until he was on top of the half-dissolved remains of the building; the void now in its small, dense form. Quickly choking it down, Vanitas escaped — his ragged breaths seeming to freeze his lungs from the winter air. 

Vanitas flew as fast as his exhausted body would let him, past the stream and the clearing where he trained, to a rocky area nearby. He landed and entered a cave, his cave. He’d found it in the fall when it started to get cold, and he was pretty sure it was the only reason he hadn’t frozen to death. The only reason he was able to work on his revenge. He fell to the ground, freezing and exhausted. 

Closing his eyes, Vanitas refused to let sleep take him. Master Xehanort was going to be furious, and he couldn’t risk his cave behind found. It was his, and he wanted it to stay that way.

* * *

Ven watched Vanitas dart into the air and away with unsteady movements. Once he felt like Vanitas was far enough, Ven took off and followed. He made sure to keep his distance. He didn’t want to risk anything happening mid-air.

Last time, Vanitas was angry. This time, he just seemed…unhinged. Ven had never seen him act so erratic; so terrifying and so terrified.

He followed Vanitas to a rocky area, and watched as Vanitas plummeted downwards — as terrifying as it had ever been — and swoop up just in time to land and enter a cave.

Ven darted around overhead, his mind just as back-and-forth as he tried to figure out what to do next.

He _ wanted _ to follow Vanitas into the cave now, to try talking to him again. But, it was late, not much longer until the early-risers on the mountain awoke. Still fearing what would happen if Vanitas were found, Ven didn’t want to do anything that would seem suspicious. 

Then, he remembered Vanitas’ bag.

The rest of his plan quickly falling into place, Ven rushed back home to try and get a little sleep before morning came. 

_ I’ll come back for you tomorrow, Vanitas, I promise! _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cannot let myself rest, gotta write. im possessed, please help 😭😂


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im exhausted and probably should've waited to post this in the morning. oh well :')

The sun began to peek over the trees, and Vanitas tiredly pushed himself up from the cave floor. He flew the short distance to his clearing and waited, holding his cloak tightly to himself. After a moment, Vanitas decided to let himself wait with eyes half-closed, trying to get whatever rest he could while still keeping enough awareness to sense when Master Xehanort arrived.

It wasn’t long until he heard the familiar sound of boots crunching down on snow. Vanitas’ eyes snapped open, and he straightened himself up while Xehanort’s wings folded.

“Explain yourself.”

Vanitas swallowed. His thoughts skittered away from him.

“You barely destroyed one building, you were meant to destroy all five.” Xehanort continued, tone low and full of disappointment.

Vanitas looked down and away, biting the inside of his cheek as he tried to gather himself enough to say anything at all.

“I- I’m sorry, Master.”

“You failed me again, boy. What excuses do you have this time?”

Vanitas stiffened — he had none. He was sure Xehanort would reject him giving the same reason he did last time.

“I was a coward, Master.” Vanitas bowed his head, submitting to whatever punishment Xehanort deemed necessary.

“Please, help me. Teach me. I need to be stronger… I don’t want to fail you, Master. I don’t want to fail myself.”

“Very well, Vanitas.”

Vanitas startled, unused to hearing Xehanort address him by name.

“Now, I want  _ you  _ to tell me where your convictions lie. Clearly, I cannot rely on you to listen properly. You need to  _ say it. _ ”

“Yes, Master. Thank you.”

Vanitas was struck without a word from Xehanort; dropped into a stagger from the familiar pain of the bardiche.

“Begin.”

Vanitas was struck again. Again. Again.

“I want- I want revenge! I want everyone to suffer! I want them to hurt!” As Xehanort continued, Vanitas wasn’t sure if he was saying the words out loud any more.  _ I want them to be scared! I want them to be hungry, and cold, and tired, and—  _

**_I want them to be like me, and Fall._ **

Xehanort stopped, and Vanitas realized he had been speaking, after all.

“I think that is enough for today.” Xehanort stated plainly. “Last failing, when I clipped your wing. Did you find it helpful to be flightless, to tear the feathers out?”

Vanitas slowly, carefully sat himself up. He wasn’t sure. He couldn’t remember, not clearly. 

Nothing was clear. Only his routine with Xehanort, only his promised revenge, were semisolid in his mind. Everything else was easily lost in a formless mass of emotion that he didn’t dare touch.

“Yes, Master, I did.” Vanitas lied.

“Get up, then. There is one final thing I will do for you, before I take my leave.”

Vanitas obeyed silently, staggering to his feet. He turned away and waited, expecting to hear shears, or even to have Xehanort rip the feathers out instead.

Xehanort grabbed Vanitas’ wing and roughly felt around for a brief moment. He twisted his hand, and there was a loud snap.

Vanitas froze in shock for a split second — then the pain hit. He cried out, covering his mouth with both hands in fear the void would try to escape.

“I will be back when the bone is healed. I expect you to remind yourself of your goals while you heal.”

“Yes. Master.” Vanitas choked out.

He watched motionlessly as Xehanort flew away, out of sight; before letting himself fall to his knees.

_ It hurts. _

Eventually, Vanitas forced himself up and headed into his cave.

* * *

Ven didn’t feel so guilty this time, even though he still neglected to tell anyone what had happened. Luckily, after the first Blight — Ven wondered if that was a real name or a newly coined one — everyone knew how to handle the toxic wreckage and ground. Everyone knew not to touch, knew to cleanse it with fire and prayer.

No one needed healed this time, and Ven was glad. He had things to do. He made a quick day at the temple, somehow managing to convince Master Eraqus to let him skip everything except meditating for the day. It was much easier when only Eraqus was around — they were both hardasses, but Master Xehanort was a lot more intimidating. 

He was unable to get anywhere close to a meditative state, he felt like a ball of pure nervous energy. Once an appropriate amount of time had passed, Ven hopped off The Peak and flew down to his apartment. He frantically made sure everything was in Vanitas’ bag, and then grabbed a container of dried strawberries. They weren’t necessary, but…they’d be something nice. If Vanitas let Ven talk to him.

Refusing to let his nervous thoughts talk him down, Ven quickly took off, leaving the mountain and hurrying his way over the forest. 

He darted over the rocky area a few times, until he found what he was sure was the right cave. Ven touched down at the mouth of the cave and entered slowly, cautiously. His eyes had barely adjusted to the dark when he saw a flash of gold. Shining in the darkness, like a predator’s eyes.

“How did you find me?” Vanitas asked, tone low with a slight growl. 

Always growling now, always acting like a threat. Like an animal instead of a Fallen angel. 

_ That…couldn’t be it, right? He’s still Vanitas, he has to be. He can’t just be something else wearing his body, right? _

Ven shook the thought out of his head.

“I followed you last night, when you left.” Ven admitted.

Vanitas was silent, Ven could barely see his eyes narrowing. There was a question there, something Vanitas didn’t want to ask.

“I didn’t want to freak you out too much at once…”

“ _ Freak me out? _ ” Vanitas spat. “You’re  _ torturing me, _ Ventus! Why do you keep showing up everywhere I go?!” He stormed forward, and Ven stepped back.

“Torturing you..?” 

Now in the mouth of the cave, Vanitas started to open his wings — he winced and folded them; then started to back away.

“You’re hurt.” Ven murmured. Vanitas didn’t react. “Let me heal you.  _ Please. _ ”

Vanitas glanced away, considering. Ven watched Vanitas look around the cave, look at  _ him _ , clearly weighing his options.

Ven was between Vanitas and escape, whatever escape could be managed with an injured wing.

“Fine.” Vanitas finally answered. He slowly crept towards Ven and knelt on the ground with his injured wing closest to Ven. Not trusting enough to put his back to Ven.

Ven moved cautiously as well, feeling like he was trying to avoid spooking a wild animal. He knelt next to Vanitas and carefully, gently touched Vanitas’ wing.

Vanitas didn’t react, so Ven continued. He slowly felt around until he found the break — Vanitas’ radius had been completely snapped.

Ven closed his eyes and silently pleaded to the sky.  _ He’s Fallen, but please,  _ **_please_ ** _ let me help him.  _

He focused his mind and his heart, and slowly his power began to work.

Vanitas drew a sharp breath as his bone started to fuse back together, bit by bit.

It was slow, agonizingly slow. Ven wasn’t sure if the sky was resisting him using his power in this way, or if it was an issue with Vanitas himself.

Or, maybe, bones just took more time and effort. Thinking back, Ven didn’t think he’d ever had to heal one before.

He tired quickly, and let go of Vanitas’ wing.

“It’s not healed through yet, don’t move it.”

“Then why’d you stop?” Vanitas demanded, turning to look at Ven.

“Gotta rest. You know I can only go for so long.”

Vanitas glanced away, then gave a small nod. “Right.” He murmured.

“Does it feel better, at least?” Ven re-adjusted his position to try and relax a bit. 

“A bit.” Vanitas hesitated, before turning around and facing Ven fully.

“That’s good.” Ven smiled tiredly. Now that he wasn’t active, he realized how cold it was. “I…brought you some stuff, too.”

Vanitas looked at him incredulously. “ _ Why? _ ”

“I… I figured you’d want it.” Ven quickly unclasped the halves of the bag’s strap and handed it over to Vanitas. “It’s yours.”

“It’s mine…” Vanitas murmured, looking down at the bag with a distant look in his eyes. 

“You can open it… If you want.”

Vanitas unclasped the bag’s cover with fumbling hands and opened it up. He stared inside, then back up at Ven.

“That’s mine?”

“Yeah… From your apartment.” Ven replied slowly, not understanding.

Suddenly, Vanitas’ blanket was yanked out of the bag and hastily unfolded. Vanitas draped it around himself, curling up in it.

“It’s… How?” Vanitas frowned at Ven. “How’d you get it?”

“I grabbed them from your apartment.”

Vanitas’ eyes narrowed. “You’re lying.”

“I’m not lying!” 

“They would’ve gotten rid of everything! You’re lying!” Vanitas jumped to his feet, leaning over Ven.

“I’m not! I was there first!”

“ _ NO YOU WEREN’T! _ ” Vanitas shouted. “ _ I already know! _ ” He grabbed for Ven’s throat.

“ _ What are you talking about?! _ ” Ven dodged out of the way and stepped towards the mouth of the cave.

“ _ I already know what happened! _ ” Vanitas pounced, narrowly missing as Ven dodged again, taking flight.

“Vanitas, please!  _ Just listen to me! _ ” Ven begged.

“ _ NO! _ ” Vanitas started to extend his wings to follow, then collapsed to his knees. “ _ DIE! FUCK YOU! _ ”

Seeing Vanitas’ empty threats for what they were, Ven descended to land, to try to help; and Vanitas pounced again.

“ _ I’LL KILL YOU! _ ” 

“You’ve said that before…” 

“Shut up..!” Vanitas’ voice trembled slightly. “Just… Go away… Leave me alone..!”

Ven chewed on his lip, contemplating. This request was the closest to  _ himself _ that Ven had heard Vanitas sound since before he Fell.

“Vanitas?” Ven asked softly. “If I leave you alone, will you let me come back later to heal you more?”

A moment passed in silence.

“Fine.”

“Thank you.” Ven smiled sadly. “I’ll come back tomorrow, okay?”

“Do what you want.” Vanitas huffed. “I don’t care.”

Ven knew that was as close to a yes as he’d get.

“Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow, then.” 

He took off slowly, glancing back at the cave frequently, but then hurried over the forest and back up the mountain. He felt bad leaving Vanitas, but if space was what Vanitas needed for now, that’s what he’d get. 

Ven arrived at home and took his cloak off, and realized he still had the dried strawberries in its pocket.

_ Well, at least there’s tomorrow. _

* * *

Vanitas watched Ventus fly away, out of sight. He watched for a long time after, until his face and his fingers stung from the cold.

He retreated back into the cave and huddled under the blanket —  _ his _ blanket — for a bit of warmth. He curled up tightly, ever-so-slowly warming his hands with his own body heat. 

_ Having something  _ felt amazing. Something that was  _ his  _ and his alone. He could still feel the cold, but Vanitas felt almost content. 

He slowly drifted off into a half-sleep, thoughts drifting idly in his mind.

When his awareness returned, Vanitas realized he was warmer than before. He readjusted the blanket, wrapping himself in it differently, and remembered what a heat trap this blanket always was.

_ He remembered.  _

“I fucking hated this thing in the summer.” Vanitas whispered to himself, a slight smile gracing his lips.

The physical reminder had shoved through the shapeless mass in his mind, digging out a memory, a piece of himself he wouldn’t have dared to try dig out himself.

Vanitas quickly looked around, snatching the bag from its resting place to see what other memories it hid.

First were a few items of clothing, rolled up tightly to save space — the way Vanitas had taught Ventus to pack. 

Then was a thick grey cloth that seemed familiar. Vanitas carefully lifted it from the bag and set it on the floor, unfolding it slowly. 

His knives, all of his cutting knives. He’d saved for so long to get a good quality set.

Gazing down at them, Vanitas realized one was missing.

Vanitas remembered the pain, and the blood. The despair and desperation that had driven him. The missing knife had aided him in what could have been —  _ maybe should have been _ — his final act.

He was glad that knife was missing.

After a long moment, Vanitas folded his knives back up. He sat stiffly, unsure if he should give in to the urge to  _ check _ or not. 

He gave in.

Vanitas slowly rolled back his sleeve and looked down at his forearm. There was the scar, long and thick. Unlike the various others scattered across Vanitas’ body, this one was a dark grey. The sight made his stomach twist and the void writhe painfully. Vanitas rolled his sleeve down and tried to calm himself.

_ As if the wings weren’t enough of a reminder… _

Eventually, Vanitas managed to calm the pain in his stomach enough to handle. Still curious despite his new wariness, Vanitas dug around in the bag to see if he could find anything else. 

About to give up and assume it empty, Vanitas’ fingers brushed against a soft, delicate cloth. He grabbed it and lifted it, confused.

Wrapped carefully in the cloth was a necklace.

Vanitas didn’t have to look at it to know exactly what it was.

A polished moonstone wrapped in wire, with a woven-cloth loop instead of a chain. The work of an amateur, the wire was bent and messy, and there was much more of it than would be if it were made by someone with experience. Vanitas remembered the day Ventus had given it to him — lying that he’d bought it until Vanitas wore him down enough to admit that he’d made it with a bit of help from Aqua.

_ Ventus, I didn’t mean it like that… _

The old, unspoken apology resurfaced in Vanitas’ mind and he dropped the necklace; letting it land on the cave floor. He turned his back on it and readjusted his blanket, huddling for warmth and to hide from objects — to hide from memories.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back at it again at krispy kreme-

Ventus kept his promise.

Vanitas startled from his half-sleep at the sound of wings, immediately on guard. He realized by the blinding white wings that it was Ventus, and his shoulders tensed.

“Hey, Vanitas…” Ven landed, breathing heavily as if he’d rushed here.

Vanitas nodded, silently returning the greeting.

“How’s your wing?” Ventus hesitated at the mouth of the cave, before taking a few tentative steps inside.

“Broken.”

Ventus shot Vanitas a look. Vanitas couldn’t help but smirk at him.

“ _I meant_ how’s it feeling, is it doing okay? Causing you any pain?”

“It’s fine. You said not to move it, so I didn’t.”

Ventus was quiet for a moment as he approached; still slow, still cautious. As if he were afraid. Part of Vanitas was glad. _Good, he should be._

“Can I start working on it?” Ventus murmured. Vanitas stiffened, caught off guard by the gentle tone. He forced himself to relax a bit.

“Yeah, go ahead.” 

Ventus nodded and knelt down at Vanitas’ side, placing his hands oh-so-gently over the injured wing. The touch made Vanitas ache in a way he didn’t want to think about. Ventus’ magic began to flow into him, wrapping itself around the broken bone and slowly, slowly, slowly connecting bits of it together. 

As the ache in his wing lessened, the ache in his chest grew.

Finally, Ventus stopped and let go, leaning back into a more relaxed position.

“Is it done, this time?”

“No.” Ventus shook his head. “I’ll have to do it one or two more times.”

“Oh. Okay.” 

Vanitas resigned himself to the fact that he’d be left alone soon. 

“Sorry I can’t do it faster. Bones are difficult, I guess.” Ventus smiled wryly.

“Why are you doing it, then?” 

Ventus looked at Vanitas searchingly. “Because I want to help you. I’m not just saying it to sound nice. I want to help.”

“I Fell, Ventus.”

“I know.” Ventus’ voice was breathy, a quiet exhale. 

“Who told you?”

Ventus’ breath hitched, Vanitas jerked his head up — finally daring to look straight at him.

“No one did, Vani…” Ventus murmured. Vanitas’ brain stuttered to a stop at the sound of his nickname. It had been so long… _It was such a big fight the first time he called me that._

“No one told me, I was the one that found out.” Ventus paused. “Don’t call me a liar, at least hear me out first.”

Vanitas curled up, resting his chin on his knees. He glared upwards at Ventus, daring him to continue. 

There was a long moment of silence, but finally he did.

“You’d been gone for a few days. I know that’s not weird, but it _felt_ weird, you know? So I… I went to your apartment even though you’d hate me showing up. The door was unlocked, so I just…went inside.”

“Breaking and entering isn’t very pious, Ventus.”

Ventus stared at Vanitas like he was trying to decide between laughing or crying. Vanitas averted his gaze, eyes down towards the cave floor.

And then, the silence was broken — the smallest of laughs bubbling out of Ventus’ mouth. Vanitas looked back up, staring slack jawed; his mouth open in a small _‘o’_.

Vanitas wondered when he’d last heard Ventus laugh — when he’d last heard _anyone_ laugh.

Ventus’ face slowly fell back into a serious expression and Vanitas looked away again.

“Like I said, the door was unlocked… I found the broken mirror…” Ventus’ voice grew quiet, choked up as he struggled to get the words out. “I- I found…your blood…and y- the knife… The M-mark…”

Vanitas squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his jaw, biting the inside of his cheek as hard as he could. The cave was nearly silent, only Ventus’ shaking breaths could be heard.

The void squirmed and shifted in Vanitas’ stomach, awakened by his distress.

“You weren’t supposed to find that.” _I’m sorry._ “It wasn’t supposed to go like that.” _I’m so sorry._

“What do you mean..?”

“You weren’t supposed to notice. You were supposed to forget.” 

Ventus rose to his feet, shaking with his hands balled up in tight fists at his sides. “ _How am I supposed to_ **_ever_ ** _forget about you, when I—?!_ ” He cut himself off, covering his mouth with his hands. “I’m sorry.”

Vanitas kept quiet. He didn’t understand. He didn’t understand anything.

_Why is he sorry, why is he here, why does he want to help, why isn’t he terrified or disgusted or—_

“I shouldn’t yell at you about that.” Ventus murmured, slowly crouching back down to Vanitas’ eye level. “I’m sorry. You were hurting, and I didn’t realize it…”

“I didn’t want you to know.” 

Ventus sniffled. “Is that supposed to make me feel better or something?”

“I guess.” Vanitas shrugged.

“Wait. If…” Ventus trailed off. “Never mind.” He looked just as lost as Vanitas felt. Suddenly, he straightened up, and dug his hand into one of his cloak’s pockets.

“Here, I brought these for you.” Ventus set a box of matches on the ground, and then pulled a bag out of his pocket. He held it out expectantly, waiting for Vanitas to take it.

Vanitas slowly reached out and snatched it, pulling it towards himself with both hands. He untied the top and a familiar scent wafted to him.

“Dried strawberries?”

“Yeah! Um, I know they’re not as good as fresh ones, but, since they’re your favorite…” Ventus trailed off.

“I never told y- I don’t have favorites.” Vanitas mumbled. He tucked the bag into the space between his torso and legs, and ducked his head to hide as he shoved a handful of strawberry slices into his mouth. When Vanitas looked back up, Ventus smiled; amused and a bit smug.

“Fuck off.” Vanitas said, scowling. “I’m hungry.” He messily shoved another handful of strawberry into his mouth while staring Ventus down, trying to gross him out, but Ventus’ smile fading didn’t give Vanitas the satisfaction he’d wanted.

“ _What?_ ” Vanitas snapped.

“Are you… Have you, ah, had trouble finding things to eat?” Ventus asked nervously, hands fidgeting with his cloak. 

“None of your fucking business, Ventus.” 

Ventus looked like he wanted to argue, but he stayed quiet.

“Okay. Can I come back again tomorrow? I can bring you something to eat, too.”

Vanitas squinted at Ventus, studying his expression. “Fine.”

“Okay.” Ventus nodded, smiling softly. “I’ll give you some space for now. See you tomorrow.” He got up and slowly headed toward the mouth of the cave.

“Yeah, whatever. See you.”

* * *

Ven headed straight to the temple on his way back, knowing he was in for a scolding. He landed and was immediately found by Master Eraqus, looking very stern.

“Sorry, Master! I was out flying, and I lost track of time.” 

“You must work on your responsibility, Ventus.” Eraqus sighed. “You know very well that your time here is very important.”

“Yes Master, I do.” Ven nodded. 

“I will have you study the Tomes today, please find a few passages about responsibility.” Eraqus said sternly. “Be well, may the skies always be open to you.”

“You as well.” Ven replied and nodded again, then begrudgingly headed towards the temple’s study. He hated days like this, he would much rather devote his time to service than sitting around reading old books. 

Some of the historic parts were interesting, but mostly they were just reiterating what he’d been taught his whole life. _What was it that Vanitas used to call me… A Trained Dove? Or a Tamed Dove? Maybe he used both…_

Ventus remembered how much he’d used to resent being called that — _I’m not a dove, I’m a_ **_swallow!_ ** — but now that he had important outside things to do, he understood. He felt almost caged. 

_May the skies be open to me, but only when it’s fine with the Masters…_ Ven laid his head down on the open Tome, groaning quietly in frustration. _Is it really better to be inside reading passages about responsibility, when there’s an actual angel that needs help? Being in here doesn’t **feel** responsible… _

Rules and tradition were always a bit frustrating, but Ven had learned to live with them through the years. He hadn’t really been given a choice — the sky had done so for him. He’d molted off his baby down and his flight feathers grew in white, and he’d been whisked away to the top of the mountain. He was expected to do… _something,_ but he had no idea what. The Unclouded all made their own flight paths; becoming very powerful and using it for good, writing new passages and Tomes, for being important leaders, even for preventing disasters through power and prayer.

Ven had never been sure of what he would end up accomplishing, but after losing Vanitas, after finding him again and being unable to really help him…he wasn’t sure he would accomplish anything. Still, he refused to give up. Thinking Vanitas was gone and trying to put himself back together had _hurt._ He couldn’t experience that again, he wouldn’t let it happen.

But…still. Ven had to be careful. Someone like him surely wouldn’t be allowed to be around the Fallen. _If anyone were to find out…what would happen..?_

Unable to sit still any more, Ven closed the Tome and quickly put it back. He rushed out of the study, nearly running face-first into someone.

“Careful, there, Ventus. Where might you be going in such a rush?”

Ven stepped back and locked eyes with Master Xehanort.

“S-sorry, Master!” Ven stood up as straight as he could.

“Master Eraqus told me you were to study the Tomes today, surely you haven’t finished so quickly.”

“Oh! Well, I…read a passage that really spoke to me! I’m gonna go meditate on the Peak before I forget it, bye Master!” Ven quickly stepped around Xehanort and hurried out of the temple. He felt Xehanort’s eyes on his back as he left.

Finally outside, Ven took flight and flew the short distance up to the Peak. The fresh air eased his worries a bit, despite its cold bite. Feeling much less confined, Ven sighed in relief. 

After some thought, he decided to see if Aqua and Terra were free, even though he was sure he’d be in trouble for cutting his reading so short.

All Ven could see in his future was trouble, trouble, _trouble._ He needed to think of an excuse to be away from the temple, and soon. He waited a bit longer before taking flight. He headed to Aqua’s metalwork shop, making it just before close.

“Hey, Ven!” She smiled warmly at him. “What’re you doing here?”

“I was wondering if you and Terra were doing anything tonight…if not, maybe we could have dinner together or something?”

“Oh, sure! If you don’t want to wait while I close up, you can go grab Terra, too.” Aqua nodded. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay!” Ven nodded, a bit too eagerly. “I’m just…having a weird couple days, I guess.”

“Because of the Blight? It’s okay to be worried about it…” Aqua reassured, smiling sadly. 

“Um, yeah.”

“It’s okay, Ven.” Aqua tousled his hair. “Go ahead and grab Terra, I’ve gotta close up now.”

“Okay, see you in a bit.” Ven nodded firmly and headed out. 

He was pretty sure it was Terra’s day off, so he headed to Terra’s apartment.

Terra answered quickly. “Hey, Ven, what’re you doing out and about so early in the evening?”

“I did a couple…shortened days at the temple.” Ven admitted. Not wanting to have the same conversation twice, he continued. “I’ve just been um, nervous. About the Blight and everything.”

“You’re pretty worried, huh.” Terra smiled sympathetically. 

“Yeah.”

“That’s okay, it’s some scary stuff, for sure… Don’t worry about being worried, okay?”

Ven took a second to wrap his mind around that statement. “Right, I’ll try not to.”

“So…did you need anything?”

“Oh, right!” Ven laughed a bit, embarrassed he’d forgotten to mention why he came. “Aqua and I are gonna have dinner together, you should come.”

“Ohh, okay, yeah! That sounds good.” Terra nodded. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah!”

Ven watched as Terra took off, watching the powerful motions from his Hen Harrier wings. Following suit, Ven took flight as well, zipping around Terra as he soared.

“There you two are!” Aqua’s voice called from behind. She hurried forward, graceful as ever, and Ven marveled at the vibrant blue of her Barn Swallow wings. Normally he didn’t think twice about it, but today, he was jealous of the coloration.

_That’s not fair to her, though…she works hard, she doesn’t get handed everything by the temple like you…_

An echo of something Vanitas had once snapped at him. Ven was a tamed dove, but in exchange, he lived for free.

It wasn’t fair at all.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a bit soft, a bit rough around the edges. i'm trying, as are they. lol

Ventus came and worked on Vanitas’ wing the next day, and the day after.

And then, he kept coming just to visit.

Almost every day, he’d show up — usually with food, with gifted necessities. Vanitas didn’t understand, didn’t like being indebted to Ventus. 

Somehow, though, it wasn’t as scary as owing someone typically would be.

The ache in Vanitas’ chest never left, but slowly something warm grew alongside it. It reminded Vanitas of the way he felt before he’d given in to the ache.

Nothing had gone the way he’d planned, nothing had gone the way he’d expected. Vanitas had let himself get too close, and pushed away in the most extreme way possible. Instead of dying, he’d Fallen; instead of Ventus forgetting him, he’d mourned; and instead of lonely revenge, he had mostly-peaceful days that frequently involved Ventus. 

The air began to warm, the snow began to melt, and Vanitas realized those days were numbered. He became cagey, antsy; and refused to even admit to Ventus that anything was wrong. Ventus could tell, of course, but that didn’t matter. He had enough to worry about, sneaking out all the time.

Spring came with sudden rains, and Vanitas wasn’t sure if he hated or loved them.

Vanitas was lucky to be outside of his cave the day Xehanort came back. The thought of Xehanort finding his space — especially now that it was practically a home — was terrifying. 

Xehanort quickly discerned that Vanitas had  _ not _ strengthened his convictions, and Vanitas was beaten savagely. He was left crumpled on the ground, too pained to move. Void slowly oozed from his open mouth as he took ragged breaths, and for once he didn’t try to stop it.

Ventus didn’t come that day, and for once, Vanitas was glad. He had as much time as he needed to drag himself back into the cave and lick his wounds. Ventus didn’t come the next day, either. Vanitas watched the sun set behind the trees, trying to ignore how sick the void and his empty stomach made him feel. _ It’s fine. I can starve for a day. _ As soon as the thought crossed his mind, a cold dread washed over him. 

He’d become dependent on Ventus. 

He couldn’t let that happen.

Vanitas shot up and onto his feet, now determined to get  _ his own _ food. 

He stuck to the ground in search of any at-least-vaguely recognizable wild fruits or vegetables, wishing he had tools to at least try to hunt or fish with. His mouth watered as he remembered how it felt to bite into a juicy piece of meat. After a long search, Vanitas realized it was too early in the year. Trees had budded and grown new leaves, but nothing recognizable was ready yet. A tree he remembered as having apples had begun to bloom, but it would take time before any fruits were ready to pick.

Vanitas headed back to the cave, but every step he took increased his desire to be anywhere  _ but _ there. He flew up the rocky hill, taking it slow. Wandering wasn’t the best idea currently, but it seemed better than sitting and thinking. It felt like a tiny, lonely version of the mountain, and Vanitas felt a bit comforted by it.

His view of the sky no longer blocked by trees, Vanitas’ view of the stars was more magnificent than he’d ever seen. They were innumerable, winking in and out of his vision as he focused on different areas of the sky. As Vanitas continued walking, the ground slowly flattened. Grasses became less sparse, and Vanitas found himself wading through tall prairie grasses. They stopped abruptly, surrounding a ring of craggy stone. In the center was a perfectly circular pond. It practically glowed with the moon in the center of the sky, somehow reflecting an enlarged image of the waning moon. Vanitas could see each crater and shadow on the pond’s placid surface. He’d never seen anything like it. Deciding this was a good place to sit and rest, Vanitas idly stirred his hand through the water, watching as the ripples distorted the moon’s reflection.

As the night passed, the moon continued its journey across the sky. Its reflection followed, leaving the pond completely darkened.

Vanitas checked it again at midday, preparing to be blinded, but in the daylight it just seemed like a normal pond — aside from the shape, at least. The daytime sky was reflected the same way it would in any regular body of water. Vanitas made sure to keep a distance from the lake’s edge, not wanting to accidentally see himself reflected back.

That afternoon, Ventus showed up with food.

Vanitas snatched it from him like an animal, trying to rush back toward the darker recesses of the cave. He wasn’t fast enough, and Ventus grabbed his forearm. Vanitas winced, not expecting the pressure against his bruised skin. Ventus quickly let go, clearly worried.

“What happened to you..?”

“Nothing.” Vanitas backed away.

“That’s not  _ nothing, _ Vanitas, you look like you got attacked…” 

“Fine. A wild animal got me.” Vanitas tore into the bread Ventus had brought him.

“I know you’re lying. I’m not stupid.” Ventus pressed on. “Please tell me.”

Vanitas was silent, purposefully taking a long time to chew.

“Vanitas..?” 

Ventus’ voice was filled with so much genuine concern that Vanitas couldn’t deny him. The warm feeling in his chest wouldn’t let him.

“It wasn’t an animal. It was an angel.”

Though he’d seen through Vanitas’ lie, Ventus was shocked. His face paled slightly, eyes widened.

“An angel…would do something like this..?” He asked. “Were they… Fallen?”

Vanitas nearly answered with the truth, but stopped just before he opened his mouth.  _ Ventus is always at the temple, always around the Masters. He can’t know…he can’t. _ He feared that Ventus would speak out, or somehow it would be found out that the mountain’s precious Unclouded was hanging around with  _ a dirty, vile, disgraceful Fallen. _

“Yes.”

“Why would they do that?!” Ventus’ voice shook slightly. “That’s horrible… If you’re all alone out here, isn’t it better to stick together?!”

Vanitas’ heart clenched at Ventus’ optimistic naivete. _ If only things worked like that. _

“He’s my…” Vanitas trailed off, unsure where to go. He decided sticking close to the truth would be best. “He’s my Master.”

“Your…?” Ventus tilted his head slightly in confusion, quirking one eyebrow.

“Yeah. He taught me how to…use the void, and stuff.”

“The void?” Ventus echoed.

“The black gunk. Blight. Whatever.” Vanitas took a large bite of his bread, wanting to be done.

“So he taught you…but he also attacks you..?”

“It’s motivation.”

“Motivation..?” Ventus paused. “Wait, is he…the one that wanted you to attack those places on the mountain?”

“ _ I  _ wanted to. He told me where to go, what I should destroy to be effective.”

“You said you wanted m- everyone to suffer… Do you still feel that way?”

Vanitas looked down, away. Unsure. 

“I don’t know.”

Ventus smiled at him sadly. Suddenly, an almost-pained, fearful expression crossed his face.

“Vanitas…if your Master…does things like that, did he break your wing?”

“Yes.”

“For motivation?”

“For punishment.”

Ventus was quiet for a moment. “Punishment because you didn’t destroy all those storage buildings?”

“Yeah.” Vanitas fixed his eyes on the cave floor, not wanting to see Ventus’ reaction.

“Because I stopped you.” Ventus murmured. “I’m…sorry, but I also don’t think I could have let you do it…”

“Don’t get all sad over shit you can’t change, Ventus.” Vanitas sighed. “Besides, you fixed it.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

Vanitas heard Ventus stand and walk closer. He sat again, still leaving plenty of space between the two. Vanitas narrowed the gap a bit — just enough to show his intent. 

“Thanks.” Vanitas glanced at Ventus. “For healing me.”

Ventus’ smile felt like it lit the whole cave. 

* * *

Another day, another excuse, another secret excursion. Ven felt like he was running on borrowed time. He packed a bag full of foods — mostly dried fruits and some jerky, a bit of bread — intending on letting Vanitas know that he was going to stay on the mountain for a couple days. The Masters were extremely unhappy with him — he didn’t want them to become suspicious as well.

After seeming lost and almost jittery all day, Vanitas asked him to come back after sundown. Ven’s intentions were forgotten, accidentally pushed to the side in favor of wondering what Vanitas wanted to show him.

Ven returned to the temple in the late afternoon, accepting his lectures and doing what the Masters ordered. He stuck around until the stars started to shine, then snuck away; heading straight from the temple to the forest. 

Vanitas was waiting for him at the mouth of the cave, looking genuinely nervous in a way that Ven had only ever seen a few times. He tried to smile reassuringly, but wasn’t sure if Vanitas understood.

“So, what did you want to show me?”

“You’ll find out when we get there.” Vanitas rolled his eyes. “So impatient.”

“It’s called _ being excited,  _ Vanitas, you should try it sometime.” Ven retorted.

“Only if it means I get to bother you the whole time.” 

Ven let out a small laugh and followed as Vanitas took off into the darkened skies above. He couldn’t stop himself from remembering when they’d flown closely that time, wishing they could do it again here and now. The flight was short, though, and Vanitas landed in a field of tall grasses.

“I don’t understand.” Ven looked around in confusion. “I mean, its pretty, but-”

“We’re not there yet, idiot.” Vanitas reached out as if he wanted to take Ven’s hand, but he didn’t. “Follow me.”

“Okay.” Ven nodded, ignoring the urge to grab Vanitas’ hand. If Vanitas didn’t want to, then it would be wrong to force it.

Vanitas led Ven through the prairie grasses for a bit, then paused and looked up. Ven did the same, and his breath was stolen away. The moon was high in the sky, surrounded by more stars than Ven had ever seen in his life. It was dizzying, awe-inspiring.

“Come on.” Vanitas murmured, as if he’d disturb something by speaking normally. Ven nodded, and they went forward a bit more. The grasses came to an abrupt stop, and Ven gasped.

Right in front of him, was a glowing pond. 

Vanitas beckoned for him to come closer, and Ven crept over jagged rocks to get a better look.

The pond wasn’t glowing at all, it was a massive reflection of the nearly-full moon above. 

“This is what you wanted to show me?” Ven whispered. “It’s beautiful…”

Vanitas glanced downwards, nodded, then looked back at Ven.

“I found it a couple nights ago. I…really like it, so I hoped you would too.” Vanitas’ eyes reflected the moon’s light, glowing intensely like twin suns in the darkness. Despite this, Ven had never seen him look so vulnerable.

“I love it.” Ven smiled. He carefully sat on the stone beneath him, wanting to stay a while. “Thank you for bringing me here.”

Vanitas nodded in response, relaxing a bit. He smiled, ever so slightly. The two sat side-by-side, close. It would have been so easy to take Vanitas’ hand, or wrap an arm around him; but Ven held himself back.

This was still good, close was still good.

They watched until the moon slipped away from the pond, leaving them in total darkness. Ven closed his eyes for a long moment, listening to the ambient sounds of nature.

“Ventus, can I ask you something?” Vanitas broke the silence. His voice was low and quiet.

“Sure, what is it?” 

Vanitas exhaled heavily. “If I did something terrible, would you kill me?”

Ven stared at Vanitas in shock, blinking slowly as he tried to process the question.  _ What… Why would he ask something like that out of nowhere..? _

“What do you mean..?”

“Like if I’d succeeded in destroying all those fields, or all those buildings.”

“No…” Ven shook his head quickly. “I don’t think I’d be able to kill  _ anyone, _ Vanitas…”

“Not even if it was to defend someone? Or yourself?”

“I don’t know, Vanitas, I have no idea. I don’t understand, I don’t know how to answer a question like that…” Ven wished the pond was still glowing, desperate to see Vanitas’ expression and try to understand  _ why… _

A moment of silence stretched between them.

“Never mind. Sorry for asking something strange.” Vanitas stood and once again reached out to take Ventus’ hand — once again pulled away. 

It stung like a rejection, but Ven pushed that thought aside. Vanitas’ nervousness, his hesitation  _ had _ to mean something…at least, Ven hoped so.

He stood up and slowly reached out towards Vanitas’ hand, gently brushing his fingertips against it. Vanitas turned and stared at him with wide eyes that somehow still shone in the darkness.

“If… If you want to…” Ven offered quietly. His heart fluttered in his chest, nervous and excited that Vanitas hadn’t pulled away. He never let anyone close, he’d never let Ven get  _ this  _ close.

Vanitas cautiously took Ven’s hand in his, far more gently than was necessary. Ven adjusted his grip a bit, his heart soaring inside him.

“Good?” Ven asked.

“Yeah.” 

“Good. Let’s walk partway back.” 

They slowly made their way back to the rockier terrain, taking as long as they could; and then reluctantly parted ways for the night.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this ones a liiittle shorter, but the chapter separation had to be this way

Ven hurried back to the mountain, hoping the late hour meant no one would see him.

He was intercepted on his way to his apartment.

Master Eraqus swooped up in front of him, ordering him to return to the temple. Ven’s heart sunk into his stomach like a stone — he’d been caught, his time was up. 

When they arrived, Master Xehanort was in the main hall waiting for them.

“Ventus.” Eraqus began. “We’re sorry to bring you here in such a way, but we’ve  _ far beyond _ exhausted our abilities to excuse your behavior.” Xehanort nodded along, always hands-off when it came to scolding him. Somehow he was more intimidating in his silence.

“I’m sorry, Master, I-”

“Please, Ventus, no more excuses.” Eraqus shook his head. “You _ cannot  _ continue to shirk your duties or lessons any more. We’re going to have you stay in your old quarters.”

“What?!” Ven protested. “You won’t even give me some sort of warning?! That’s so unfair!”

“ _ Have you not listened to a word we’ve spoken to you these past few months? _ ” 

Shocked, Ven kept his mouth shut. He’d never seen Master Eraqus this worked up before. He’d always tried to keep an even demeanor, no matter how much Ven pestered or disobeyed him.

“ _ Let me recount a few things to you. _ You have been neglecting your duties, your training, your service. You are disappearing without a word to  _ anyone, _ seemingly without a care in the world.”

“I’m sorry…”

Eraqus sighed tiredly. “We’re  _ worried _ for you, Ventus. We’ve had large areas get Blight with no warning, no explanation; and it’s too soon to discern a pattern. If something happened to you, we wouldn’t know where to look.”

Ven nodded hesitantly, holding his tongue.  _ There’s no way I can explain… Vanitas is still all messed up, he wouldn’t react the way the Masters would want… They’d think he was a threat… _

“We’ll have someone bring clothes from your apartment tomorrow, and we can discuss potential changes in the future — if you show dedication.”

“Okay.” Ven nodded again, eyes down at the floor. “Thank you, Master. I won’t disappoint you.”

_ Tamed Dove is spot-on… _

Ven slowly made his way to his old quarters, already missing his home. He’d moved into the temple’s quarters after his flight feathers grew in, and lived there for a couple years, until he was deemed old enough and responsible enough to have an apartment of his own. He’d actually missed them at first, the temple was constantly seeing visitors and staff going about their duties. In comparison his apartment had been so quiet and empty. Having guests whenever he wanted ended up being enough of a perk to even things out, in the end.

Now, the temple’s busy halls were too much, a reminder that Ven couldn’t do anything without at least one person seeing him. Sneaking out wasn’t going to be an option.

So, he settled himself in and did everything he could — worked hard, studied hard, informed the Masters almost any time he went somewhere — to slowly gain back the Masters’ trust.

After two weeks, he was promised that he could go back to staying at his apartment soon; so long as he remained dutiful.

* * *

Days turned into a week, a week turned into two. 

Ventus didn’t return.

Vanitas ran that last night over and over and over and over through his mind. Each little detail he picked at became warped, became something to resent.

He resented himself — for showing Ventus the pond, for asking stupid fucking questions, for existing. Vanitas hated himself.

And then, one afternoon, Master Xehanort showed up.

He was pleased by Vanitas’ returning hatred, and violently began making Vanitas turn that hatred outward once more.

They trained nearly every day for two weeks, and then Xehanort gave Vanitas a task.

_ The last part, the grand finale. _

Vanitas was to return to the mountain, and kill the Unclouded.

If destroying their things wouldn’t cause them enough suffering, then Vanitas would snuff out their light — their living connection to the sky above.

Vanitas headed out that same evening, as planned. Xehanort had struck into him that the sooner he accomplished this, the better.

He knew he was ready. He just needed to give himself one last push.

Soaring upward, higher than even the Peak, Vanitas scoped out the apartment he needed to get into. He located it easily and then flew up a bit higher. He angled himself, aiming facedown, and plummeted.

His heart leapt into his throat as adrenaline flooded his veins, adoring the oh-so-familiar urge to scream as he hurtled  _ fasterfasterfaster _ to the mountain below.

Nearly eye level with the apartment window, Vanitas swooped to horizontal — shooting himself through the window. He burst through the window, shattering it — shards of glass flew through the apartment and scattered; and Vanitas heard a shout.

A grin stretched across Vanitas’ face as he locked eyes with his target.

“Ventus,” He purred, “It’s been a while.”

“Vanitas..?! What’s going on..?” Ventus stared at him in shocked confusion. Tensed. Maybe even afraid. Vanitas hoped so.

“Did you have a nice time during your little break? Did you think it was  _ so fun _ to make me trust you?” Vanitas stalked forward, backing Ventus into a corner.

“What… Wait, that’s not it!” Ventus protested, eyes wide.

“Don’t fucking lie to me.”

“I’m not!” Ventus ducked around Vanitas, back across the room. 

Vanitas pounced, pinning him to the ground. Ventus winced as Vanitas pressed him into the floor.

“What is  _ wrong  _ with you?!” Ventus struggled against Vanitas’ hold. “Why are you here?!”

“I’m going to kill you.” Vanitas smiled manically. “It’s going to be  _ nice and slow, _ so I can watch you suffer.”

Ventus’ eyes widened as Vanitas started to tense and heave above him. He jerked himself upward, slamming his head against Vanitas’ and wiggling out of his grasp.

He backed away slowly as Vanitas staggered to his feet, void dripping down his chin in thick rivulets.

“Playing rough, now?” Vanitas spat a glob of void onto the floor. His eyes narrowed as he caught Ventus trying to inch towards the busted window. The void rushed towards it, expanding itself in an attempt to gain height. Ventus bristled in fear, backing away from it now.

“ _ Why? _ ” Ventus asked pleadingly.

“Because I hate you, Ventus.” Vanitas replied. “Because I hate everyone, and killing their  _ precious Unclouded _ would destroy them.”

Ventus blinked slowly, as if confused.

“And then what?” 

Vanitas halted. “ _ What? _ ”

“Let’s say you do this. I’m dead, everyone is mourning. Then what?”

“That’s…what…” Vanitas squeezed his eyes shut, trying to refocus. “That doesn’t matter!”

“If you kill me you’ll still be alone!”

“ _ Shut up! _ ” Vanitas howled. 

“ _ No! _ Just listen to me!” Ventus shouted back, standing his ground. “I know you don’t want to do this!”

“ _ I do! _ ” Vanitas pounced again — Ventus was ready this time, and grabbed him first, pinning him to the floor. 

“I know you don’t.” Ventus repeated, voice soft. Vanitas thrashed underneath him, desperately trying to get free.

“I do!  _ I do! _ ” Vanitas’ voice wavered. “I have to..!  _ Please..! _ ”

“If you really want to kill me, tell me why. Give me a better reason.”

“I… I can’t…I have to…”

Ventus smiled sadly. “No you don’t. Please let me help you.”

Vanitas rolled his head to the side, unable to stand looking at Ventus any more. Silence filled the room.

“Okay.”

“Oh, thank the sky.” Ventus sighed, relaxing and dropping his weight onto Vanitas’ torso.

“Hey!” Vanitas protested, trying to wiggle free.

“Sorry!” Ventus propped himself back up onto his knees. “I just… I was scared I was going to have to kill you.”

Vanitas slowly looked back towards Ventus. “What?”

“Your question, from the pond.” Ventus answered, almost a murmur. “There’s your answer.”

“Oh.” For some inexplicable reason, Vanitas could feel his face warm, cheeks flushed.

Ventus jerked back slightly. “Why are you-?! About that?!”

“Shut the fuck up, _ please. _ ” Vanitas hid his face in his hands.

“ _ VEN, ARE YOU IN THERE?! _ ”

Vanitas’ hands dropped. He knew that voice. That was Aqua’s.

“ **_VEN!_ ** ”

Vanitas staggered to his feet and the void collapsed into its dense form, and he choked it down as quickly as he could. With a parting glance, Vanitas ran and launched into the air, escaping as quickly as he could.

“ _ Vanitas?! VANITAS! _ ” 

He ignored Ventus’ voice, knowing he couldn’t risk turning back.

Vanitas soared away, wanting the safety of his cave, but he soon realized he was being followed.

He couldn’t  _ hear _ the silent wings of the Barred Owl, but he knew the presence behind him well enough to sense it.

Knowing the odds were stacked against him, Vanitas hurtled to the forest below, hoping Xehanort would lose sight of him.

Taking a risk, Vanitas looked over his shoulder to see Xehanort was still behind him. Looking forward again, he realized he was too close — he swooped up too late, avoiding cracking his skull open but still landing hard. He scrambled to his feet as he tried to suck air back into his lungs, coughing and wheezing.

Just behind him, Xehanort landed.

Vanitas was sure a prayer from  _ him _ meant nothing, but he silently begged the sky to help him anyway.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone, i wanted to give a forewarning that this chapter is the reason for the graphic violence tag. please be careful

“You’ve failed me yet again, pathetic waste of energy.” Xehanort sneered as he tossed Vanitas to the ground. “I thought you _wanted_ to follow through, hm? Did Ventus get into your head, did he tell you more pretty lies? Weak.” He stepped down onto Vanitas’ back, on the joint that connected body to wing. Vanitas gritted his teeth, the inside of his cheek caught and quickly began to bleed.

“No feeble excuses?” 

“I can’t-” Vanitas was cut off as Xehanort pressed his boot down harder, forcing the air out of him. “I can’t do it. I can’t go through with this.”

“Then you are useless to me.” Xehanort slowly lowered himself, still with one foot on Vanitas’ back. “I will make you just as useless to yourself, as you are to me.”

Vanitas’ blood ran ice cold through his veins. He thrashed, trying to free himself, but Xehanort kept his balance. He grabbed Vanitas’ wing in one hand and roughly pulled, keeping it extended.

Cold metal pressed against Vanitas’ wing, and he stilled. His breath caught in his throat. _He wouldn’t?! Would he?_ He squeezed his eyes shut, knowing the answer. _He would._

The knife sliced cleanly through muscle, and it took all of Vanitas’ strength to not _scream_ then and there. He dug his fingers into the earth like talons, bit down on the inside of his cheek.

Xehanort cut deeper into him and his resolve was quickly lost. His pained cries fell on uncaring ears.

The knife sunk into bone with a wet _thunk,_ and was roughly yanked back out. 

“That won’t work.”

Xenanort grabbed Vanitas’ wing closer to the base, and torqued his wrist. The bone broke with a sickening crunch, and the air was forced from Vanitas’ lungs silently. It was too much to scream now.

“Perhaps this time you’ve learned your lesson.” Xehanort scoffed and stood back up. He spread his wings and took off to the sky without a second glance.

Vanitas slowly forced himself onto his hands and knees. His wing hung limply, attached by a thin strip of flesh.

He heaved from the pain and puked up a black mass. Thick, viscous, and oily black mixed with bright red blood from his bleeding cheek.

Vanitas’ vision swam in and out of focus, and he collapsed back to the ground. 

—

“ _Vanitas?!_ ”

Vanitas dazedly opened his eyes and immediately had to squint against the bright light that was Ventus’ presence. 

“Vanitas, c’mon!” Ventus’ voice cracked a bit. “Say something..!”

Vanitas opted instead for weakly raising his arm, searching. Ventus’ hand found his.

“What happened..?”

Vanitas’ gaze dropped to the ground, unable to stand looking at Ventus any more. “Punishment.”

“What do you mean..?” Ventus’ eyes widened. “Was it-”

“It doesn’t matter, Ventus.” 

“It does! We should- We…” Ventus trailed off, stopped by Vanitas weakly squeezing his hand. “Is there anything I can do..? There has to be something!”

“Just leave me.”

“ _No!_ ” Ventus snapped. “I… Bandages. I’ve got bandages.” He mumbled, half to himself. He started rooting around in his bag, and pulled out a long strip of cloth. 

“Okay. Can you sit up? I’ll wrap the wound.” Ventus coaxed.

“No.”

“No..? Why not?!”

Vanitas fell silent, fighting with himself to spit out one single word. 

“Hurts.”

Ventus’ brows furrowed with worry. He carefully circled Vanitas, getting behind him to take a closer look. Vanitas instinctively watched him, until Ventus was out of his line of sight.

A near-silence fell over them, only broken by Vanitas’ labored breaths.

“Va…Vanitas..?” Ventus’ voice shook. “It’s… Almost completely severed…”

“Yeah.”

“I can’t… There’s no fixing this…”

Vanitas fell silent again.

“I’m sorry…”

“I figured as much.”

Ventus inhaled sharply. “What?! What do you mean?”

“It’s a punishment. It’s not meant to be fixable.”

“Still…” Ventus’ voice was pained. “ _It’s still attached._ I… It needs to be amputated…”

The word flashed through Vanitas’ mind and he instinctively tried to jerk up, away from more pain. His wing pulled on the flesh, and he collapsed, nearly vomiting again. 

“I’m so sorry…” Ventus murmured.

Vanitas was silent yet again, struggling to regain his breath, to calm his stomach.

“Vani..?”

“Do you have a knife?”

“What?!” 

“ _Do you. Have a knife._ ” Vanitas repeated, gritting his teeth.

“Y-yeah…”

“Then go ahead.”

“Wh-What?! Vanitas, I can’t-”

“Who the fuck else would be willing to do something like this?”

Ventus inhaled shakily. “Okay. I’ll do it.”

Vanitas rolled from his side onto his stomach, swallowing down the bile and void that tried to force their way out. The flesh attached to his wing was pulled taught, exposing muscle to outside air. 

“I’ll sit on your back to try holding you in place, okay?” Ventus asked warily.

“Just do it.” Vanitas gritted out.

Ventus straddled Vanitas’ lower back, kneeling down to get close to the wound. Vanitas heard a pocketknife click open, and braced himself. Ventus gripped Vanitas’ wing gently, too gently, and then more firmly. Metal met flesh and Vanitas writhed, mouth locked open in a silent scream as tears spilled down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I’m sorry,” Ventus babbled as he fumbled with his pocket knife. It was small — too small for something like this. Vanitas’ blood flowed freely and coated the blade, coated the handle, coated his hands. It splattered wildly as he cut through the larger veins, and Ventus couldn’t help but wonder how much blood an angel even _has._

An eternity — or a few minutes — later, it was over. Vanitas’ wing lay off to the side, limp and seeped in blood.

Ventus pulled Vanitas up into a sitting position and paused, making sure Vanitas could hold himself up. It seemed amazing that he was conscious at all. He quickly grabbed bandages from his bag and began to wrap the wound as well as he could. There wasn’t as much coverage as he’d like, and he had to go around the exposed bone jutting out from where the wing used to be. It would be soaked through soon, but at least the entire wound was covered. 

As soon as Vanitas realized that Ventus was finished, he let himself collapse back onto the ground. Ventus looked down at him, what he’d done sinking under his skin, into his psyche. A wave of nausea slammed into him and he dropped to his knees, covering his mouth with his hand.

There was so much blood. He’d never seen so much blood. 

He lowered his shaking hand and gazed fearfully at Vanitas. Suddenly he felt small — insignificant and unable to do anything meaningful. Unable to help the one he most wanted to.

“H-hey, Vani..?” His voice trembled.

A deep breath. “Yeah.” He looked up at Ventus, golden eyes dulled to a flat yellow.

“Are you gonna die?” 

Vanitas huffed, Ventus wasn’t sure if it was disdain or a laugh. “’Course not.”

“Good.” Ventus repositioned himself, tucking his knees in and wrapping his arms around them. 

“Like I’d let some shitty old man take me out.” 

Ventus couldn’t help but smile — a small, wobbly smile — but a smile nonetheless. 

“Right. If anyone’s gonna kill you, it’ll be me.”

Vanitas closed his eyes and hummed in agreement. “You should go wash up. You look disgusting.”

“But-”

“I’ll be fine. No one’s ever out here.”

“…Okay…” Ventus stood and took himself in — he didn’t realize how much of the blood had gotten _on_ him. “I’ll come back quick!” He stepped away, giving Vanitas a bit of room, before taking flight.

He soared upwards, trying to get the best view of the forest that he could. 

Movement out of the corner of his eye. Ventus turned quickly, still anxious. 

“…Ven..?!” 

It was Aqua. She flew towards him quickly, then jerked backwards. “Ven… What happened to you?!” She gasped, horrified.

“Nothing, it’s fine!” 

“Please… What happened?”

“ _Nothing!_ ” Ventus snapped. He didn’t have _time_ for this, he told Vanitas he’d be back soon!

He dove down and away, easily leaving Aqua behind. He quickly found a stream large enough to wash off in, and wondered if it was the same one near the cave Vanitas stayed in. It didn’t really matter, either way. He hopped in and started scrubbing at himself.

* * *

Alone, with only the sounds of the forest to accompany him, Vanitas’ consciousness ebbed and flowed like the tide. It was stupid and weak, but he wished Ventus was back already. He’d never run into any predators, nor angels aside from Xehanort and Ventus, but he couldn’t help the creeping fear that he was in danger.

Too exposed, too weak. Between the pain and blood loss, he wasn’t sure he could hold his own. He instinctively held his wing over himself, sheltering underneath.

He tried to shove the thoughts out of his mind, only succeeding as his exhaustion started to pull him under again.

-

A sharp gasp from behind. 

Delayed, Vanitas forced himself up, away from the gasp and into a defensive stance. Low to the ground — lower. He pressed one hand to the ground, his feet not enough to keep him balanced as the world spun around him. He growled low in his throat, baring his teeth to intimidate his would-be attacker.

He staggered, pressing his other hand to the ground to keep himself up. He tried to focus at the figure in front of him, but everything blurred as it spun. He felt himself start to sway, tried to readjust his hands to counterbalance. 

The figure stepped forward and Vanitas snarled in warning — a cornered animal. He staggered in place as his vision tunneled and went black, desperately wanting to hide.

As Vanitas lost consciousness, he was afraid.

* * *

Ven hurried back to Vanitas, hoping he hadn’t taken too long. If Vanitas' master had come back while he was alone, Ven could never forgive himself.

He tried to shove his worries out of his head, but couldn’t. He flew as fast as he could, needing to see for himself.

As Ven descended, he saw Vanitas _wasn’t_ alone.

His heart pounded in his chest as he dove downward.

Closer to the ground, Ven realized it was Aqua. He landed close, startling her as she leaned over Vanitas.

“Don’t touch him…” Ven tried to make his voice firm, but it was thick with emotion.

Aqua leaned back slightly in surprise. “Ven..?”

“He wouldn’t like it.” 

“Okay.” Aqua murmured gently, placing her hands on her lap. “What happened?”

“He needs help… Please…”

“Ven, he’s _Fallen,_ I can’t just-”

“He’s not evil!” Ven’s hands clenched into fists at his sides. “He’s hurt, _please!_ ”

Vanitas stirred on the ground between them. 

“Ventus..?”

“Vani!” Ven dove down to his side. “You’re awake…”

“Lucky me.” Vanitas mumbled, deadpan.

“What’s going _on?_ ” Aqua pressed.

Vanitas stiffened — Ven wasn’t sure if he was even breathing. 

“He needs help, he’s lost a lot of blood… He needs to get somewhere safe.” Ven pleaded. “Please trust me, Aqua, he’s not evil…”

Aqua’s gaze flitted around the area, clearly conflicted.

“Alright.” She finally spoke. “Go get Terra, neither of us are going to be able to carry him far.”

“But-!”

“You’re faster than I am, Ven. I’ll keep an eye on him.”

Ven wilted, but nodded. “You’re right, okay. I’ll hurry back.” He took flight and headed straight for the mountain.

* * *

Vanitas kept quiet until long after Ventus had left.

“Smart move.”

“Hm?” Aqua peered down at him.

“Waiting until he’s gone to finish me off.”

“ _What?_ ” Aqua recoiled. “Vanitas, that’s not-”

“Or maybe you don’t have the guts.” Vanitas stared up at her, daring her to act. “Are you going to make Terra do it?”

“What is _wrong_ with you, how could you _say_ something like that?!” Aqua looked disgusted…or something. A faint ring of darkness still fuzzed over Vanitas’ vision. 

“Wouldn’t that be the right thing to do? Killing something so unholy as me?”

Aqua stared down at him, her expression now completely unreadable.

“I always thought you were terrible, Vanitas.” Aqua took a deep breath. “You always said such awful things, I never understood why Ven wanted to be around you.”

“That makes two of us.”

Aqua shot him a puzzled look before continuing. “The things you say now are worse, I didn’t really think that was possible. But he’s still so attached to you.”

“You could have just forced him to leave me, you know. I’d die out here sooner or later.”

“ _Stop it!_ Just _stop!_ ” Aqua shouted. “Why are you such a _freak?!_ ”

Vanitas paused.

“Get a new fucking insult, Aqua.”

“ _You-!_ ” Aqua cut herself off. “ _Ugh!_ ” She got up and put a bit of distance between Vanitas and herself, and then sat back down.

“Giving me the silent treatment? How mature.”

Aqua didn’t respond.

Without a conversation to focus on, Vanitas’ consciousness slowly ebbed away again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pov is a bit weird/back and forth in this one, but sometimes things are just happening in different places!!  
> i wrote the original version of this while i was still conceptualizing the fic, so hopefully it's good lol


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gooooood morning i've been awake since 5:whatever a.m. so hopefully this is as coherent as i think it is :)

Vanitas came to, feeling like he wasn’t on the ground. His eyelids were heavy, too heavy to open. He felt himself rise, and wondered who was lifting him.

He wanted them to stop, it made his woozy head even more disoriented.

“Careful, the bone is-”

“Yeah, I got it.”

Vanitas forced his eyes open — just a bit. The sunlight was blinding, it made his head throb.

“Who’s there..?” 

“Try to rest.”

“Where’s Ventus..?” 

“You’ll see him when we get back, just rest for now.”

Trying to connect voice to name was too much, trying to be awake was too much.

Vanitas was too tired to be afraid. He rested fitfully in someone’s arms — drifting partly into wakefulness with what seemed like every movement. It felt like hours, days. Vanitas was laid onto something soft, and sleep dragged him fully under.

When he woke next, it was dark. There was a comforting warmth by his side, and as his eyes quickly adjusted, he realized it was Ventus. Soundly asleep. Vanitas slowly tried to push himself up, biting the inside of his cheek to avoid crying out as the pain in his injured shoulder built. He managed to keep quiet, Ventus slept on, and he was able to get a better look at his surroundings.

_ These idiots brought me back to the mountain?!  _

Vanitas found himself looking around what he could only assume to be an apartment bedroom. It was pretty plain, and Vanitas was disappointed by the lack of distractions to look at. He felt ragged and exhausted, but wasn’t sure if sleep would be kind enough to take him again so quickly. He carefully lowered himself into laying down, relying on his right arm to avoid aggravating the opposite shoulder further.

He sighed quietly in relief that he still hadn’t woken Ventus and gazed at him through half-lidded eyes.  _ You look so peaceful… Do you always sleep like this?  _

Ventus shifted slightly, and Vanitas felt himself stop breathing for a moment. Finally letting his exhale out once he was sure he wouldn’t wake Ventus. He felt a strange urge to reach out and run a fingertip over Ventus’ eyelashes. They were so long, such a warm tone of blond, and they looked so soft. 

It was such a tempting thought, to reach out and touch; to see those eyelashes flutter and reveal blue eyes. 

He wouldn’t dare. He kept looking, until his eyes slid closed and he was pulled into sleep once again.

-

“You have to be patient, Ven, he  _ needs _ rest.”

“But, his bandages need-!”

Vanitas growled quietly, groggy and not happy to be woken.

“You’re awake!” Ventus gasped, quickly kneeling down to get close.

“How could I  _ not _ be, with all your noise.” Vanitas watched Ventus approach out of the corner of his eye.

He heard a long-suffering sigh from across the room, and couldn’t help but smirk a bit.

“ _ Good morning, _ Aqua.” Vanitas intoned cloyingly, dripping with exaggerated politeness.

“It’s the afternoon, actually.” Ventus piped up before Aqua could react. 

Vanitas rolled his eyes, then jolted when he realized what Ventus had said. “How fucking long was I asleep?!”

Ventus shrugged and Vanitas snorted.

“Just one day, if that’s what you mean.” Aqua elaborated.

“You were in and out a lot the other night, and Terra brought you here in the morning, and you were out for a  _ long  _ time, overnight, and through the morning.” Ventus ticked off each part of his statement, counting on his fingers. “How many hours is that?” He looked towards Aqua.

“I don’t need an exact number, Ventus.”

“Oh, okay. Good.” Ventus smiled, far more softly than the conversation warranted. “How are you feeling..?”

Vanitas was quiet for a moment, taking stock of himself. 

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d ask you to cut my shoulder off so it’d stop hurting.” He deadpanned.

Ventus winced. Bad answer.

“Never mind.” Vanitas shifted, shoving his face into the bed to hide from his mistake.

“Vanitas c’mon…” Ventus groaned. “Talk to me.”

“No.”

“You just did!”

“Really, you two?” Aqua sighed very exasperatedly. “Vanitas, if you’re well enough to be rude, you’re probably well enough to sit up. Ven needs to change your bandages again.”

Vanitas didn’t move until he heard her walk away. Presumably after throwing her hands up in frustration.

“ _ Again? _ ” Vanitas asked, finally looking up at Ventus.

“Well, yeah, I had to…You bled a  _ lot, _ and you were unconscious for a long time…” Ventus looked away, drawing in a shaky breath. 

“Ventus..?” 

“Sorry…” Ventus rubbed at his eyes and turned back towards Vanitas. 

“Don’t be.” The words left Vanitas in an exhale. Ventus’ eyes still shone with unshed tears, and Vanitas couldn’t look away. Mesmerized, terrified.

“I thought I was going to lose you again.” 

The dam broke, and tears spilled down Ventus’ cheeks as he shook from hiccuping breaths.

“Stop…” Vanitas pleaded as he felt his eyes well up. He blinked them away. “Please stop…”

“I-I’m sorry…” Ventus curled in on himself, but reached out a hand. Vanitas cautiously took it in his, and Ventus gave a gentle squeeze before moving his hand and intertwining their fingers.

They sat hand-in-hand as Ventus cried, the touch a quiet comfort to them both. 

“Ventus?” Vanitas asked. “Why…did you cry..?”

Ventus bit down on his lip as if he were going to start again.

“I’ve told you this…I care about you. I don’t want to lose you…” He quieted, glancing downwards. “You’re really important to me.”

“ _ Why? _ ” The question was out of Vanitas’ mouth before he could even think.

Ventus looked taken aback, almost angry. 

“Are you  _ serious? _ ” Ventus kept his tone hushed, which was somehow scarier than if he’d yelled. Vanitas stared up at him with wide eyes. “We’ve known each other for  _ years, _ Vanitas. Why would I have spent so much time with you, if you weren’t important to me?”

Vanitas glanced away, then back at Ventus. “I don’t think you want to hear my answer.”

Ventus deflated, slouching low. “Just tell me.”

“Pity.”

Ventus nodded sadly. “I knew it. You’re an idiot, Vanitas.”

“ _ Hah? _ ” 

“It’s not pity, and you’re stupid because you can’t tell.” Ventus huffed. He paused a moment. “Wait, that doesn’t make any sense. There’s no way you’d want to spend time with someone that pitied you.”

“Shut up, Ventus…” 

“There’s no way you’d get this close to someone that pitied you!” Ventus continued. “There’s no way you’d  _ hold hands _ with someone that pitied you!”

Vanitas felt like the floor was going to drop out under him. He shoved his face onto the bed again. “Please don’t do this.” 

Ventus sighed, but gave Vanitas’ hand a squeeze before letting go. “That’s fine. I have to change your bandages anyway.” He walked across the room, and Vanitas carefully pushed himself up to sit.

“We have to… Figure out how to deal with your humerus, too…” Ventus slowly approached Vanitas from behind, stopping a ways away. “Since it’s jutting out of the wound.”

“Great.” Vanitas grumbled. “Neither of your friends happen to have a bone saw?”

Ventus came closer instead of responding, kneeling down behind Vanitas. Vanitas tensed reflexively, survival instinct ready for  _ hurt. _

No touch came. Vanitas was tempted to glance over his shoulder, see what Ventus was doing.

“Can I start?” Ventus asked softly.

_ Oh. _ Vanitas tried to relax, just a little bit. “Yeah.” 

Ventus started unwrapping the bandages slowly, hands barely ghosting over Vanitas’ back.  _ Careful, so careful. _ Vanitas held his breath, as if the slightest movement from him would shatter the moment. The small distance between Vanitas’ bare back and Ventus’ hands felt electric, making his skin tingle.

“I’m going to take the gauze pads off now, okay? It… It’s probably gonna hurt.”

Stale air left Vanitas’ lungs in a heavy exhale. “Okay.”

Vanitas sat unflinching as Ventus peeled the gauze pads off of his wound. It stung like nothing he’d experienced before.

“Do you wanna know how you survived?” Ventus asked quietly, timidly.

He held a gauze pad gingerly, only touching the clean edge of it as he held it out towards Vanitas.

There was no blood. 

It was stained black with void.

“What..?” Vanitas took it from Ventus’ hands and stared down at it in shock.

“I guess it was in your veins, too… You got really close, Vani…” Ventus’ voice trembled, and Vanitas feared he’d cry again. “The void… It stopped you from bleeding out…”

“It really is just a parasite, huh…” Vanitas mumbled under his breath.

“Huh? What do you mean..?”

“You’ve seen what I had to do to let it out.” Vanitas’ guts twisted at the thought. 

“Oh…” Ventus was quiet for a long moment. “Did it hurt you? While it was in your stomach?”

“Yeah.” Vanitas admitted. “It got real active when I was, um… Distressed.”

“I’m so sorry…”

“ _ What?  _ Don’t be. It’s my own damn fault that I ended up like this.”

“Still… You were out there suffering that whole time. I had no idea what you were going through…”

“I wish you still didn’t.”

Silence stretched between them.

“Why?” Ventus’ voice was so soft, so gentle, so… _ afraid.  _

“I don’t want you to worry about me.” Vanitas took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. “You should worry about someone better.”

“You don’t get to choose something like that.” Ventus’ voice was still quiet, but his tone became firm and sure. “If I didn’t want to worry about you, I would have tried to stay away. This is going to sting, hold still.”

Vanitas let out a quiet hiss as Ventus dabbed disinfectant onto the wound. 

“You’re doing good, almost done.” Ventus murmured. “Why don’t you want me to worry?” He busied himself with applying new gauze pads on and around the wound.

“I feel like you know why.”

Ventus hummed quietly, starting to apply new bandage. “I think so. But I want you to tell me.”

“I don’t want to.”

Ventus didn’t reply. He silently finished wrapping Vanitas’ wing — the nub and jagged bone that were left of it, at least — and placed more gauze pads around it as a cushion. Vanitas realized he wasn’t going to reply, wasn’t going to take the bait and let Vanitas start an argument. Still silent, Ventus started to wrap a few layers around Vanitas’ chest and shoulder to ensure everything stayed in place.

More torturous than before, Vanitas felt like his skin was set ablaze with each gentle brush of skin-against-skin as Ventus worked. Vanitas folded.

“It’s scary.” 

Ventus hummed again in acknowledgment. 

“Being cared about, being important to someone… It’s terrifying, Ventus.” Vanitas swallowed around a lump in his throat. “I… I want it…but I can’t…”

“It’s okay to want things, Vanitas… You’re allowed to.”

“Didn’t I give that up? Didn’t I forfeit that right when I-”

“Then you earned it back when you  _ survived. _ ” Ventus withdrew his hands, finished. 

“And then I tried to kill you!” Vanitas turned towards Ventus, wanting to be angry, wanting to  _ make this stop. _ Ventus only looked at him in understanding, his eyes shining with a warm emotion Vanitas refused to name. “I can’t… I want…”

“It’s okay.” Ventus murmured.

“No..!” Vanitas felt hot tears well in his eyes, quickly spilling out and streaking down his face. “No…” He curled forward and Ventus slowly filled the gap, giving Vanitas every opportunity to deny or push him away. Vanitas didn’t.

“It’ll be okay…” Ventus gently guided Vanitas’ head to rest on his shoulder and carded his hand through Vanitas’ hair. With his other, he reached out and intertwined his fingers with Vanitas’. “You’re here, and I’m here, and we can figure the rest out as we go, okay?”

Vanitas tried to respond, but could only manage a wet sob.

“It’ll be okay.”

For once, Vanitas allowed himself to believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't intend for this to be almost all one scene but sometimes its just like that!!!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been looking forward to writing/posting this part for a while now, lol
> 
> also check this song out, i love the vibe of it for this fic;; (also def check out the lyrics' english translation if you don't know jp)  
> [song here](https://youtu.be/ax8DmYyx9Ms)  
> [lyrics here](https://lyricstranslate.com/en/black-bird-black-bird.html)

The day continued on quietly, Ven making Vanitas lie back down after he’d cried himself out. Vanitas had scoffed at him —  _ ‘I slept for  _ **_how long_ ** _ and you think I’ll be able to fall back asleep so easily?’ _ — but nodded off not long after laying back down.

Ven was sure he’d be fine, he just needed to rest; though he couldn’t stop worrying over it as he idled around Aqua’s apartment. She’d been in-and-out for the first part of the day, being kind enough to drop off dinner for both Vanitas and Ven, but had gone to Terra’s after Vanitas woke up.

_ Probably to de-stress. _ Ven sighed quietly to himself. She’d offered up her bed without hesitation, despite her dislike. 

He hoped that Vanitas would thank her once he was healed up, be less of a jerk to her; but wasn’t sure if it was too late to smooth things over a bit between them. Both opinionated and headstrong, they argued easily.

Ven looked over at Vanitas, sleeping and looking relaxed in a way Ven never got to see while Vanitas was awake. He wanted to run his fingers through Vanitas’ hair, smooth down the messily grown-out spikes. He didn’t want to risk waking Vanitas, though. He needed the rest.

So, he waited.

He couldn’t help but wonder when Vanitas would be ready to talk. It was horrible seeing Vanitas cry like that — a heartrending pain so different from the tears Vanitas had cried during the ‘amputation’. Ven wanted to salve it, heal it immediately, but knew it wouldn’t work like that. Vanitas had to be ready and willing to meet Ven halfway.

_ What if he never is?  _

Ven bit at his lip, anxious at the thought. He didn’t want to be pushed away any more, emotionally drained from receiving the rejections Vanitas was so scared of getting. Continuing to hang on sounded exhausting, but letting go sounded much worse. He’d done what he could for now, at least. Pushing things too much was a bad idea, all Ven could do was wait and hope.

He was snapped out of his thoughts by something brushing against his leg — Vanitas’ hand reaching out blindly, his eyes still closed.

“Did you need anything?” Ven asked quietly.

Vanitas’ eyes opened, bleary and still-tired. “When is it?”

“What..?”

“Time.”

“Oh. Uh, I’m not sure. Late evening.” Ven paused. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Fuck off.” Vanitas mumbled. “Yes.”

“You were more coherent this afternoon.” Ven frowned, worried. He moved closer, reaching out to see if Vanitas’ forehead felt warm.

“I’m not infected.” Vanitas scowled. “I mean, I don’t have an infection. I’m not sick.” He slowly sat himself up and blinked a few times, opening his eyes widely as he did. “Okay. I’m awake now.”

“Are you sure you’re okay..?”

“Groggy.” Vanitas shrugged with one shoulder. “Earlier  _ you _ woke me up, when you and Aqua were talking. It was abrupt.”

Ven was quiet for a moment, confused. “Oh… Like your instincts thought you were in danger..?”

Vanitas nodded and Ven felt his heart sink. 

“I’ve never been asleep around anyone — that I can remember, at least. So…”

“I understand.” Ven nodded. “So… It was okay this time, though?”

“Yeah, since I woke up normally.”

“ _ That’s  _ your normal?” Ven’s voice rose in disbelief, and he stifled a laugh. “No way.”

Vanitas’ face reddened in embarrassment as he scowled at the floor, but he didn’t snap.

_ I wanna be able to hear that kind of nonsense every morning.  _

“It’s because I’m still  _ tired, _ idiot.” Vanitas huffed, belatedly defending himself.

“Hm… Would you be able to eat anything right now?” Ven asked. “You’ll probably feel a bit better with some food in you.”

“Sure, I guess.” 

“Okay.” Ven nodded and stood, stretching a bit. “I’ll heat up some food, give me a few minutes.”

“’Kay.” Vanitas laid back down. “I’ll wait.”

Ven went into Aqua’s kitchen and got the small pot of stew Aqua and Terra had made earlier that day, then quickly lit the stove and let it warm.

A few minutes later Vanitas appeared in the doorway, leaning against it tiredly.

“Hey, you should be resting!” Ven approached him, fully intending to make him go lay back down.

“At least let me sit somewhere.” Vanitas grumbled. “I hate laying around all day.”

“You’re laying around because you need to  _ recover. _ Ugh, fine. You can sit at the table, I guess.” Ven sighed. Vanitas’ obstinacy wasn’t helpful to the healing process at all, but Ven understood how awful being cooped up felt. He watched Vanitas push himself off the doorframe and walk towards the table — trying his best to seem like he wasn’t as unsteady and wobbly as he was.

Ven reminded himself that it was expected, it had only been a day. But still, a part of his mind was stuck in the forest; feeling helpless as Vanitas bled next to him.

“-tus.  _ Ventus. _ ” Vanitas snapped Ven out of his thoughts. “The food’s gonna burn.”

“Shit!” Ven whirled around and turned the stove off, giving the stew a few stirs to make sure it was still okay.  _ All good. _

“What’s got you so lost in thought?” 

“You.” Ven replied simply, his mind occupied with grabbing bowls and spoons.

Vanitas was silent as Ven filled their bowls and turned toward the table. His expression was unreadable, conflicted in some way.

“What about me?” Vanitas asked, a nervous edge coming through his defensive tone. Ven set one of the bowls in front of him.

“I’m just…worried, still.” Ven admitted as he joined Vanitas at the table.

“Ah.” Vanitas looked down at his bowl, carefully taking it in both hands and moving it closer to himself. “It’s warm…”

“Yeah?” 

“It’s been a long time.” Vanitas murmured, not meeting Ven’s eyes. It took a moment for Ven to realize what Vanitas meant.

“Yeah.” Ven nodded and went quiet, letting Vanitas process things without disruption. He ate slowly, still working on his stew as Ven tidied up. 

Ven made sure to snatch the bowl away when Vanitas was done, not wanting him to do any chores in his current state.

He yawned. “It’s getting late…”

Vanitas nodded slowly, trying not to yawn as well. He rose from the table and slowly made his way out of the kitchen, still unsteady.

There was a knock at the door. Vanitas froze, tensed.

“I wonder if Aqua forgot her key or something..?” Ven wondered aloud. 

He quickly answered the door.

“Master Xehanort..?”

“May I come in?” Xehanort stepped forwards without waiting for a response, causing Ven to back up until the doorway was open and Xehanort could enter. He closed the door behind him and locked it. “This should be quick.”

Before Ven could ask what he meant, an ornate bardiche was thrust towards him — he managed to dodge it, wondering how he hadn’t noticed an entire polearm until he was almost stabbed with it.

“ _ MASTER— _ ” Ven and Vanitas shouted at once. Ven whipped around to look at Vanitas, not understanding.

He yelped in pain as the bardiche sliced into his arm; suddenly he was dragged back and away, avoiding the worst of the hit.

“Master, he didn’t do anything!” Vanitas’ voice rose in pitch as his fingers dug tighter into Ven’s shoulder.  _ Master Xehanort was Vanitas’ master all along..? Master Xehanort did all those awful things to him..!? _

“And that is exactly the issue. He should have. He should have perished already.” Xehanort swung again and Vanitas yanked Ven down to the floor, out of the way.

Strange little bits of smoke, or some kind of dark fog floated around Xehanort. Ven blinked a few times, wondering if his eyes were playing tricks on him.

“ _ Please, _ Master! Just kill me instead..!” Vanitas begged, trying to position himself between Xehanort and Ven.

“Ah, but that was the plan. Surely you don’t think  _ killing the Unclouded _ would go unpunished.” Xehanort smiled cruelly.

“What… What are you saying..?”

“The plan all along was for you to cause worry and disruption on the mountain, and then kill the Unclouded. Then, I was to arrive and kill you, thereby making the mountain a safe and stable place again. Eraqus was not to know, and I had everything in order to accuse him of negligence and incompetence.” 

Ven squinted as Xehanort monologued, unsure if the smoke-fog was getting thicker or not. He glanced and saw that Vanitas was completely still, now; eyes wide open in terror.

“Vanitas..?” Ven murmured, as quietly as he could. “We need to get out of here, c’mon…”

“He’s-” Vanitas choked out. He glanced at the floor, and Ven looked down as well. A puddle of inky black was forming under Xehanort’s feet.

“And now, you both will fulfill your roles.” Xehanort stepped forward and swung.

As if triggered by the movement, thick tendrils of void shot out of the ground and merged with the smoke. They wrapped themselves around Xehanort, causing him to drop the bardiche as he struggled. Slowly, they started dragging him down. Ven clung to Vanitas as tightly as he could, terrified that he would be taken too, dragged down into nothingness again. He tried to move backwards, but he was already against the wall. 

Xehanort fought, trying to free himself. He tried to break the void’s hold, he tried to pull it off of him, he tried to fly away. His panicked breaths became grunts, became a shout as his legs, torso, chest sunk into the void. It didn’t react, simply keeping a firm hold as it continued to drag him under.

And then, he was gone. The puddle of void slowly seeped into the floor and dissipated, leaving behind a Mark.

The two sat frozen in place, Ven trying to process what he’d just seen. 

Suddenly, his hand burned, and he remembered that his arms were wrapped around Vanitas’ waist. He carefully let go, realizing how close he’d been to pressing Vanitas’ wound against himself. 

Ven looked down at his hand, spattered by a few small drops of void.

“Vanitas..?” He asked warily, circling around Vanitas until he was crouched in front of him. Vanitas sat motionlessly, eyes wide and fixed downward — Ven wondered if he’d been staring at the Mark. His hands covered his mouth, as void seeped between his fingers in rivulets; thickening and then dripping down.

“It’s okay now.” Ven murmured. He reached out, then withdrew for fear of being Blighted further. Vanitas eyes flicked towards Ven’s hands as he moved. “He’s gone, it’s over. You’re still here.”

Vanitas nodded hesitantly. He sat still and silent for a long moment, and Ven wondered if he should’ve kept talking. Then, the void started to shrink back between his fingers, slowly going back to where it came from. He lowered his hands.

“You didn’t cleanse your hand.” Vanitas frowned.

“I was worried, I didn’t know what was going on with you…” Ven briefly chewed on his lip. “What if something was  _ really _ wrong? I couldn’t just leave you to go  _ wash my hands. _ ”

“Go cleanse it.”

“Are you going to be okay?” Ven asked gently.

“I’m fine, Ventus.” Vanitas sighed. 

“Okay.” Ven nodded and hurried into the kitchen. He ran the faucet, filling a glass and letting the water flow over his hand as he asked the sky to purify the glass of water for him. He waited a moment before dumping it over the Blighted skin. The pain abated quickly, and Ven quickly healed the affected skin. He hurriedly healed the cut on his arm as well, just enough that the bleeding was stopped and that the wound wouldn’t re-open easily.

Weariness set in as he stepped back into the main room, where Vanitas still sat. 

“I’m back.” Ven said softly, not wanting to startle him.

“Is your hand okay?” 

“Yeah.” Ven crouched in front of Vanitas again, displaying his hand. “It healed easily, it was just a bit of skin.”

“I keep hurting you.”

“Huh? You didn’t mean to Blight my hand, it’s okay..!” 

“All those other times, too.” Vanitas sat tensely, arms to his sides. “I don’t understand why you act like everything’s  _ okay. _ Why you’re still around.”

“I think you do.” Ven murmured. “Even if you don’t  _ understand, _ you  _ know. _ ”

Vanitas looked into Ven’s eyes searchingly, then nodded reluctantly.

“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh boy!! this one was nice to write, so i hope you enjoy💕

The minutes trickled by, and Ven became sure that Vanitas was not fine. When Ven spoke up, he would look at him, but Vanitas’ eyes mostly stayed fixed on the Mark. 

“We can go in another room, if you want…” Ven said, voice hushed. Vanitas looked… _ haunted. _ Ven wasn’t sure if speaking loudly would startle him.

“It’s fine.” 

“You don’t  _ look _ like it’s fine.” 

Vanitas’ eyes flickered to Ven and back away, then took a deep breath; exhaling heavily. “It’s not.”

“Then let’s go?” Ven frowned, concerned.

Another heavy exhale. “Okay.” 

Ven watched Vanitas inch backwards towards the wall, and slowly start to stand up. He used the wall as a balance, unsteady before he was fully up.

“It’s okay to ask for help, you know…” Ven offered. He moved in slowly, giving Vanitas time to reject it if he wanted. With no reaction, Ven slung Vanitas’ arm over his shoulders and held on; his other arm steadying Vanitas at the waist.

“Not used to it.” Vanitas mumbled. 

“I know, it’s okay. You will be, eventually.” 

Vanitas looked at Ven, mild disbelief on his face; and Ven smiled encouragingly at him.

“You make it sound so  _ easy. _ ” Vanitas huffed. He fell silent as Ven helped him into Aqua’s bedroom, until after he’d sat himself down on the bed. “Nothing was supposed to go like this.”

“You’ve said something like that before.” Ven joined Vanitas on the bed, sitting far enough to give him space. “You told me I was supposed to forget about you, right?”

Vanitas smiled ruefully. “Right.”

“But when I found you, you were angry, upset. You said I… That I  _ left _ you…” Ven stared down at his hands, curled into fists on his lap.

Vanitas closed his eyes tightly, then nodded. Barely audible, he whispered, “I was scared.”

“Of what..?” Ven asked, feeling a bit dense. 

Vanitas was quiet for a long moment, seemingly collecting his thoughts.

“Everything, I guess. Even myself — the way I felt, at least.” He admitted. “Everything I said those times you found me… I meant it all.”

“Do you still..?”

Vanitas stared searchingly at Ven. “Do I  _ seem _ like I still want to kill you?”

“But, what about the other stuff?” Ven pressed.

Vanitas shrugged with one shoulder. “Maybe. I haven’t thought about it.”

“It’s a start, I guess.” Ven smiled tiredly. “Are you holding up okay..?”

“I’m fine.” Vanitas replied automatically. He glanced away for a moment. “ _ Fuck. _ Okay, no. To be honest, I’m not.”

Ven nodded dumbly, stuck between happy at Vanitas’ honesty and worry over him not being okay. Vanitas looked at nothing in particular, very obviously conflicted.

“If you need — or… If you want something, it’s okay to ask.” Ven coaxed.

“Can you come closer?” Vanitas blurted out, as if he were trying to force the whole question out before he could change his mind. 

“Yeah, of course.” Ven offered a small smile of encouragement and scooted closer. Vanitas turned to face him, and he did the same.

Vanitas reached out with one arm and yanked Ven even closer, causing Ven to let out an undignified yelp in surprise. Vanitas curled around Ven, arm hooked around the back of his neck with his head resting under Ven’s chin. 

“Vani..?” 

“Is this okay?”

“Yeah, it’s okay.” Ven carefully wrapped his arms around Vanitas, avoiding his wound. “You just surprised me.”

Vanitas didn’t reply, but he grabbed a fistful of Ven’s shirt in his other hand.

* * *

Vanitas was shaken into wakefulness, still curled against Ventus. His arm was still hooked around Ventus’ neck, feeling like it was full of static. A quiet fear still weighed heavily on his heart.

“Sorry, you were starting to move around.” Ventus explained. “I was kinda worried you’d headbutt me in the jaw or something.”

“Oh, sorry.” Vanitas mumbled flatly. He retracted his arms, backing away a bit. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

“No, no, that’s fine!” Ventus waved a hand, dismissing the apology. “It’s good. You  _ should _ be resting.”

“Right.” Vanitas nodded stiffly, looking away. The void writhed in his stomach, feeding off his anxiety. “Ventus, can I…talk to you about something?”

“Yeah? Of course.” 

Vanitas took a deep breath, trying to calm himself.  _ Iiin, ooout. _ “I’m sorry for pushing you away all those times. I didn’t— I don’t know how to deal with shit like this.” He braved a glance at Ventus, who looked… _ concerned. _ Maybe even  _ worried. _

“Shit like what..?”

“Ugh…” Vanitas groaned, frustrated with himself. He roughly scrubbed his fingers through his hair, struggling to put his feelings to words. “Shit like being around you, or relying on you, or  _ talking to you… _ ”

“Are you okay?” Ventus tentatively reached out with one hand.

“Let me— Just let me talk.” Vanitas shook his head. “I have to say this.”

“Okay…” Ventus lowered his hand, hesitant and slow. Vanitas was tempted to take it despite himself, but he pushed the idea down. It was all the same. Anger to hide fear that needed expressed, touch to ignore words that need said.

“I  _ put up with you _ for a long time, Ventus. I thought you were a spoiled idiot. Actually… I still think that.” Vanitas huffed out an almost-laugh. “But, I stopped disliking you for it. I started  _ wanting _ to be around you.”

“And you started being an asshole to Aqua and Terra, at that point, right?” 

“Right.” Vanitas flushed slightly and dipped his head, embarrassed and ashamed. “I was…jealous of them.”

“I know.” Ventus smiled gently. “It took me a long time to realize it, but, I know. You should apologize to them.”

Vanitas nodded. “I will.” He let his hand drop back down to his side and looked away from Ventus, trying to collect himself again. 

Confident that the void would stay put, he took a shaky breath and resumed pressing inward — cutting through tangles and mires of reactionary feelings to reach the truth.

“I got scared. I  _ just knew _ there was no way you’d continue wanting to be around someone like me…and then, I couldn’t shake the thought that maybe you never did.” Vanitas’ voice trembled slightly. He took a deep, shaking breath; trying to dispel the constricting feeling in his throat.  _ Don’t cry. Don’t fucking cry again. _ He berated himself internally, biting down on the inside of his cheek.

He remembered that Ventus was waiting on him to speak.

“I thought you’d leave, like… Just like—” Vanitas stopped as his vision blurred, fresh tears welling in his eyes and spilling over.

_ They’d left without so much as a goodbye, migrated from the section of the mountain used as nesting ground. His flight feathers hadn’t even finished growing in. He’d never heard their names, couldn’t even remember their faces any more. Not that it mattered, they never returned. Remembering wouldn’t help anything. _

Vanitas was snapped out of hazy memories and old pain — Ventus flung his arms around Vanitas, holding him closely.

“You really thought I’d try to hang out with you so much if I didn’t want to be around you..?” 

“ _ Service. _ ” Vanitas managed to choke out.

“You’re so fucking  _ stupid, sometimes! _ ” Ventus pulled away, his hands gently holding Vanitas’ upper arms. “All that time— All those things I, we… You’re not some  _ charity case _ to me!”

“I’m sorry.” Vanitas stared down at his lap, afraid to meet Ventus’ gaze. “I was so sure that’s how it was. But I couldn’t make myself go, I kept giving in, kept seeing you…”

Ventus was quiet for a long moment. Vanitas finally dared to look up, and was met with Ventus staring at him with a far-off look in his eyes.

“Can I ask you something..?”

Vanitas nodded.

“Everything that happened… Was that because of the last time we’d flown together..? Because we were…”

“I got too close.” Vanitas sighed heavily. “It wasn’t… This isn’t that simple. That day was just the final straw. It wasn’t the entirety of things.” He carefully took hold of Ventus’ wrists and made him let go, lowering both of their arms to their laps.

“You were hurting for a long time, then…” Ventus’ eyes were downcast as he idly bit at his lip. “Because you didn’t have anybody around…”

“Yeah.” 

“I… I’m sorry I never realized…” Ventus’ breath shook. “I thought you were okay alone…”

“I  _ wanted _ you to think that. I wanted to believe it, too.”

“Still…”

Vanitas gently squeezed Ventus’ hands, and Ventus’ head snapped up to look at him in surprise.

“What I’m trying to… What I mean by all this, is…” Vanitas held Ventus’ hands tighter. “You’re important to me, Ventus. I pushed you away and I tried to act like you weren’t. But, you are. I don’t want to lose you — I thought I was going to.”

Ventus stared at Vanitas in surprise, then his gaze became tentatively hopeful. “So, you won’t push me away any more..?”

“I won’t.” Vanitas nodded.

“Ah, thank the sky…” Ventus murmured, slouching. Tears slowly streaked down his cheeks.

Vanitas let go, recoiling in confusion and worry. “Why are you-?!”

“I’m…so happy!” Ventus wiped at his eyes, but the tears flowed faster. “I really am..! I swear!”

Vanitas inched closer, slowly reaching out for Ventus. “I’m sorry I pushed you away… I’m sorry for hurting you.”

Ventus nodded in acceptance, a wobbly smile stretching across his face. He met Vanitas halfway, pulling each other close once again.

Content and comfortable in Ventus’ arms, Vanitas eventually found himself drifting to sleep.

“Hey…” Ventus lightly tapped Vanitas’ cheek. “You should lay down, okay?”

Vanitas grumbled wordlessly, too sleepy to think of a retort. “Lay down with me.”

“I wanna go get your stuff, though…” 

“Huh..?” Vanitas cracked his eyes open, squinting at Ventus in confusion. “My stuff?”

“Yeah, from the cave.” Ventus nodded.

“ _ Why? _ You don’t need to…”

“But it’s important, right? It’s  _ yours.  _ Plus, wouldn’t you feel better if you can wear something clean?”

“Well, yeah… It’s not a good idea right now, though.” Vanitas frowned. “What if something happens?”

“What do you mean?” Ventus cocked an eyebrow. “He- Xehanort Fell. He won’t come for us any more.”

“You can’t believe that still… There’s no  _ proof _ that he’s gone for good.”

“There’s no proof that anyone but you survived, either, Vanitas… I’m sure its fine.”

“Ventus…” Vanitas trailed off, unsure how to continue.

“Will you get some rest if I lay down with you?” Ventus asked, seeking compromise.

“Yeah.” Vanitas nodded. “I will.”

“Okay.” Ventus smiled. He untangled himself from Vanitas and grabbed extra pillows and blankets; watching as Vanitas tiredly made a half-assed nest. 

Vanitas laid down and Ventus checked Vanitas’ wound, making sure it looked alright; before laying by his side.

“Good?”

“Yeah, it’s…hard to tell, with the void, but it seemed fine.”

“Oh,” Vanitas looked away, embarassed. “I meant the bedding.”

“Oh!” Ventus lit up, smiling warmly. “Yeah, it’s good.”

Vanitas nodded. Satisfied, his eyes slid closed and he allowed himself to drift to sleep.

Some time later, he woke alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ha ha oh boy!!!!   
> calm after the storm - or calm before the storm? you decide! :")  
> i hope you guys liked this one, i tried really hard to make the dialogue feel right, since that's most of what this one is. please let me know what you thought 🙏💕


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was really determined to finish and post this tonight, instead of waiting until tomorrow like a rational being

With how exhausted Vanitas was, Ven was sure he could make it there and back before Vanitas woke.

He flew quickly away from the mountain, making a beeline for the cave. So focused on his rush to get there, he didn’t realize that he was being followed until he came near and slowed down to locate the cave.

“ _Ventus!_ ” A stern voice shouted from behind. Ven hadn’t heard wingbeats during the entire flight, still couldn’t. He turned in the air and came face-to-face with Master Eraqus — his spotted owl’s wings allowing him to follow silently.

“Master Eraqus?!” Ven quickly landed, confused why the Master would follow him so far from the mountain.

“Ventus, I need you to tell me _what is going on._ ” Master Eraqus commanded. “I understand you were _attacked_ yesterday, and then you disappeared once again! Has your time at the temple taught you _nothing?!_ ”

“Master, things are okay, I swear! I’m safe, things are safe!” Ven pleaded, not wanting to explain. Not wanting to give Vanitas away.

“I was informed you were shouting _‘Vanitas’_ after you were attacked. Is that not your friend that _Fell?_ ” Eraqus’ voice was thick with disgust.

Ven had no idea how to skirt around this.

“Yeah… Yeah, I did.”

“And then you went after him.”

“Master, you don’t understand!” Ven protested. “He needed _help!_ ”

“Help with _what?!_ Destroying things? Blighting angels and land? _Attacking you?_ ”

“He’s not _evil,_ Master! _Please,_ just _listen to me!_ ”

“No, Ventus, _you_ need to listen to _me._ ” Eraqus commanded. “He is lying to you, manipulating you. The Fallen _cannot_ be trusted, that is why they were cast out by the sky.”

“Vanitas didn’t do anything wrong, the sky shouldn’t have cast him out!”

“ _Blasphemy._ Watch your tongue, Ventus.” Eraqus’ eyes narrowed. “Unclouded are not immune to the consequence of sin.”

“It’s the _truth,_ Master!” Ven pleaded for him to understand — at least a tiny bit. “He’s _good!_ He just didn’t want to hurt any more… It’s not fair!” Indignant anger coursed through Ven, his fists and jaws clenched as he stared defiantly at Eraqus.

Eraqus gave him a long, sad look, letting out a small sigh.

“You will continue to put your faith in him?”

“Yes!” Ven stepped forward, glad Eraqus was starting to come around.

“You will Fall soon, then. I will let you die Unclouded.” 

Ven jerked back as Eraqus drew his ceremonial sword and rushed forward. Ven dodged and Eraqus took flight, keeping low to prevent Ventus from doing the same. Trapping him on the ground.

He looked around desperately for somewhere to hide and saw a large, dark form moving out of the woods toward the clearing. Ven squinted at it in the darkness, trying to figure out what it was.

Eraqus dove, slamming Ven down to the ground. He stared up at Eraqus’ sword in wide-eyed terror, frozen stiff.

“May the sky still take you in with open arms.” Eraqus raised his arm, readying his aim.

The form reached the edge of the clearing, and Ven realized what it was. He shouted in fear and thrashed, trying to escape.

Ven had never seen void move without Vanitas controlling it from nearby. There was no way Vanitas would be able to get here without help. 

“Master Eraqus, we have to _go!_ ” Ven kept thrashing, and managed to free an arm to point out the mass of void. Eraqus stared at it in horrified disbelief.

“Such a large Blight… How could this be possible?”

“ _Master Eraqus? How fortunate for me. It’s so good to see you, old friend._ ” The void spoke, and Ven’s heart dropped.

Xehanort had survived Falling. 

Void shot towards Ven and Eraqus, dripping and spattering void onto the plantlife below, dissolving and rotting anything it landed on. Eraqus took flight and Ven dodged before following suit.

“ _Oh, and the Unclouded is here, as well. This certainly will make things move along quicker._ ”

The void stretched upwards, slamming down on Eraqus like a thick, oily wave. Ven darted through the air, staying out of its way. He flew overhead, stuck between escaping and trying to help Eraqus.

 _He tried to kill me, but…_ Ven took a deep breath, trying to steady his resolve. He swooped in a wide arc, heading to the ground below. Guilt would eat him alive if he left. Ven landed and tried to help Eraqus back to his feet, pulling him up and away from the mass of void on the ground.

Void slammed into Ven’s back, knocking him to the ground with a pained shout. He hissed in pain as he got up onto his hands and knees. His back, his wings, burned from the Blight. 

It didn’t matter. He had to get up, even though it hurt.

Before he got far, a small wave of void swept over him and thickened, sticking and clinging to him like tar. It burned. Everything burned. 

Ven tried desperately to get away, clawing at the dirt in a vain attempt to resist the void that slowly dragged him closer to Xehanort. He was coated in void, most of his features unrecognizable or completely obscured. Ven could barely make out his eyes, a bright gold against the blackness of the void. He looked like a monster.

Slowly, Ven stopped struggling as the void started to spread over him, Blighting more and more of his body. The pain sapped his strength, muscles feeling weaker and weaker as the Blight seeped deeper into him.

He dazedly watched Eraqus try to fend off the void, struggling now that Xehanort’s focus was off Ven. As his vision fuzzed out into nothingness, Ven couldn’t help but wonder how long it’d take before Eraqus’ sword dissolved.

* * *

Panic settled into Vanitas’ body as Ventus’ departure sunk into his mind.

 _That…fucking idiot! He just_ **_left?!_ **

He had no idea how long he’d been asleep, how long Ventus had been gone; but it it felt like far too much time had passed. Vanitas shot out of bed unthinkingly, hurrying to the front door before he froze.

He couldn’t fly.

There was no way he’d be able to search for Ventus.

If something had happened — there’d be nothing he could do.

Nothing.

_Nothing._

“No… No way…” Vanitas sunk to the floor, gazing upward. “Please… He has to be okay, I need to know he’s okay…” 

Vanitas knelt on the floor a moment longer, waiting for an answer that he knew wouldn’t come. He had to at least find out roughly how long Ventus had been gone. He quickly stood, and pushed the curtains aside to find it dark outside. It had been daylight when they spoke, hadn’t it..?

 _Something’s happened… I knew it._ Vanitas recoiled from the window, lost. Completely, utterly lost.

Fear and desperation rose and doubled, building inside Vanitas to a panic; tearing at his stomach and threatening to spill past his lips. 

_There has to be_ **_something…_ **

“ _Dammit!_ Ventus, you… You fucking moron!” Vanitas shouted to the open air. “You have to come back safe…”

Panic slowly shifted into despair, and the void started trying to work its way out. Vanitas clamped his jaw shut.

A sudden pressure built in his injured shoulder, nearly enough to rip skin from flesh. Vanitas fell to the floor with an agonized howl as it continued to swell. Void oozed onto the floor as he cried out, desperately grabbing at his shoulder to stop the pain. His fingers only found purchase on bandages, and he pulled. They stretched and tore, pulling Vanitas’ exposed humerus with them.

Void burst out of the wound, ripping open the scabbed flesh in its way as Vanitas convulsed in pain; choking and coughing up more void.

The pressure lessened, and the flow stopped. Vanitas gathered himself with shaking limbs, kneeling on his hands and knees as he tried to catch his breath.

As Vanitas collected himself, he realized what he — what the void — had done.

_A wing…_

Vanitas carefully extended his wings to test. The void responded just like his own wing had done. He hauled himself to his feet and slammed the door open, taking off as soon as he’d cleared the doorway. He shot away from the mountain, flying as fast as he possibly could towards his cave in hopes that Ventus was there.

The trees were an endless green blur below him as he soared.

He reached the clearing and saw a large mass of void moving below. Diving downward, Vanitas could make out two angels — both partly enveloped by the void. One struggled in vain, trying to fight it, while the other lay incapacitated.

_Ventus..!_

Vanitas plummeted in a freefall, hurtling toward the ground with his arms outstretched. He wasn’t sure he was strong enough to fly while carrying Ventus’ weight, but he knew he _had to be._

 _Can’t_ wasn’t an option.

Vanitas swooped vertically at the last second, arms roughly grabbing around Ventus’ waist and wrapping around them. He nearly crashed to the ground from the sudden weight increase, but just managed to keep his balance.

“ _So kind of you to save me the effort of tracking you down, boy!_ ” 

Vanitas’ head snapped to the side, realizing there was an angel in the mass of void. Realizing Xehanort had survived after all. 

A surge of desperation coursed through Vanitas’ body as he swooped upwards, narrowly dodging Xehanort’s void reaching up to smack him to the ground. He rose as high as he could, muscles aching and burning from the exertion.

Vanitas dared to look at Ventus, to check for any sort of reaction from him.

Ventus was unconscious, covered in void and Blight burns.

The full moon was high in the sky.

Vanitas knew what he had to do. He folded his wings and held Ventus as tightly as he could, aiming for the pond’s glowing surface. They hurtled downwards toward it, Vanitas repositioning his hold to try and protect Ventus from the impact.

They broke through the water’s surface with a splash, and the world turned upside down.

Vanitas found himself head-up in a vast, dimly lit space. It felt as empty as the void; but there was no mounting pressure, no crushing feeling. He sucked in a breath as he realized Ventus wasn’t in his arms. 

Panic rising, something that felt like a hand gently caressed his cheek. Soothing, reassuring. 

“Ventus..?” Vanitas dared to try to speak. “Who’s there?”

There was no reply, but the feeling of reassurance spread through him.

 _The sky..? No…that’s not right, that doesn’t feel right…_ Vanitas thought to himself. _If the pond glows at night, then…_

“Are you…the moon?”

The reassurance became pleasure and encouragement, gently enveloping him.

“Moon, what happened to Ventus? Where is he?” Vanitas couldn’t mask the pleading edge to his voice. “I need to know if he’s going to be okay…”

Reassurance flowed around him once again like a cooling midnight breeze.

“Thank you…” Vanitas murmured. “Can I see him now?”

Encouragement surrounded him and then receded, leaving him to feel the emptiness of the space again. He nodded a silent thanks and maneuvered himself to aim downward, slowly propelling himself down with his wings.

The world turned upside down again as Vanitas surfaced, treading water until he found Ventus.

Vanitas dragged him to the rocks, exhaustion seeping into his bones.

Ventus was okay. The void was gone, the Blight burns were gone.

His eyes opened slowly, gaze meeting Vanitas’.

“Vanitas, you… How’d you get here..?”

“Don’t worry about that right now, we have to get out of here.” Vanitas panted out. His muscles felt like jelly. He wasn’t sure if he _could._

“Can’t we stay here for a while?” 

“I don’t know if it’s safe.”

“Did you save me..?”

Vanitas hesitated before nodding. “Yeah. I got you away from Xehanort.”

Ventus slowly reached up, cupping Vanitas’ cheek with a tired smile. “Thank you.”

“Y-yeah.” Vanitas flushed a bit, and placed a hand over Ven’s. “The moon healed you, though.”

“The moon..?” Ventus’ brow knit in confusion. “Is that who I talked to?”

“Probably? It’s who I talked to…” Vanitas shrugged. “We should go, though. Quickly.”

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ha ha ha ha haaaaaa :)  
> unlucky chapter 13

**Author's Note:**

> little disclaimer for the implied selfharm at the end, my intent is not to demonize. religions that believe in intelligent design tend to frown upon harm to the self in different forms, and i based it off that. 
> 
> that being said, i hope you enjoy the way this unfolds! 
> 
> if you're interested, i'm on twitter as [strawberiglitch](https://twitter.com/strawberiglitch)


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